Alopecia World
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The other side of fear
The first time I left the house without my wig I literally stood at the door with my hand on the knob totally frozen for about five minutes. I knew once I walked out that door everyone would not only know my “secret,” but would now see it. There was a big difference between telling and showing somebody my alopecia.
To this day, I am still sometimes surprised that I opened the door and walked out of the house. I remember my heart was pounding and, I wanted to run back upstairs to the safety of my wig.
Although I was scared to death, I was also very relieved to no longer be hiding. I was so stressed living in the world with a wig. I became afraid of high winds and people standing behind me, I always sat against the wall, or in the back of a theatre. I became tense when someone hugged me, fearful if a train or a bus stops quickly, fearful of a man trying to put his hands through my hair or even brings his hands close to my face, fearful the wig could get stuck on something or, worse yet, that someone will notice that I am wearing a hairpiece. I was very fearful of how I was going to be accepted by the outside world, men in particular. And if they didn’t accept me, then what would I do? I just plain became fearful.
I could not have imagined the freedom that the decision to leave home that night without my wig gave me in my life. I have many other areas in my life that I need to take the same chances. But this provides me with the assurance that taking chances can have some awesome rewards.
Cheryl Carvery-Jones
Co-Founder
www.AlopeciaWorld.com
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Comment by Mary on September 5, 2009 at 1:56am
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Beautifully said, Cheryl! I was so nervous and uncomfortable when I was trying to wear a wig. Since I've "opened the door" and now go everywhere bald, I feel so liberated and unafraid. But, I remember very well the first time I went "out" to the store, to the library, to my dance class, to the gym....it was all a series of "firsts".
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Comment by Avis on September 5, 2009 at 10:05pm
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So true, Cheryl. I still wear a wig or some head covering in public (except the pool). I remember sitting in church one time praying the toddler in the pew behind me wouldn't grab my "hair" and pull my wig off! It's so not worth the stress. I just can't get to the place where I can go without it. Part of my issue is my scalp not loooking like i want it to. I will not give up! Thank you for all you do for those of us living with alopecia.
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on September 11, 2009 at 2:39am
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Thanks for the response Avis. I don't think it is about wearing not wearing a wig. It is for me more the feeling that I have a choice and I can exercise any one of them. For me, not wearing the wig was what worked for me. It was a personal decision not based on anyone else. I am the kind of person that just needs to be comfortable physically and mentally, and if I am not, I will fidget, and fidget and fidget until finally I have to do something. That is how I felt with the wig, it was literally driving me crazy. In my mind I HAD to find another way. If it is something that you want to do, try it first in a safe enviroment. For example in your backyard gardening... For many years, I wore a bandana at the gym and at home. Then when I was helping someone move or camping. Towards the end the only place that I wore it was at work, then it no longer made sense for me to wear it there either. It felt gradual but natural at my own pace.
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I had the same experience you did, Cheryl...I wish I could wear a wig, but I just always felt hot and distracted by it. I have to feel comfortable physically to be comfortable mentally.
Avis - I know what you mean about how your head looks. I feel much better about how I look from the front or sides, than how I look from the back. I don't like my red blotch in the back, and I feel weird about the dividing lines in my skull showing as much as they do. That's why it was hard for me to go bald while performing on my drum from the center of a dance floor last month...but, it was another small step and much cooler than keeping my scarf on. As my photos show, I forgot about it.
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