Comment by Sarah McIntosh on December 3, 2008 at 7:28pm

I often feel the same way and worry that I am not being true to myself when I wear wigs or draw in my eyebrows.,but then I start to think is it any different then woman getting hair extensions or wearing colored eye contacts or even bras that make their boobs look bigger.I tend to wear my bandanna a lot so people know up front who I am but I do like to wear my wigs.I call it dressing up,showing a different side to myself.I still feel that sometimes its all one big lie but sometimes it's nice to go out and not get stares or questions.I'm pretty sure a lot of us have this internal battle though.

Comment by Mari on December 4, 2008 at 9:03am

You are right in so many ways- thanks for reminding me. Sometimes it seems the self doubts creep up on me and knock me on my butt lol. I guess the cool thing is that even though I have this whole personality of positiveness I strive to present, but I knew that I could share my thoughts and y'all would get it. Thanks for listening :o)

Comment by rj, Co-founder on December 4, 2008 at 12:37pm

Mari, thanks for commenting on my blog about a related matter. As nearly everyone in Alopecia World knows, I'm engaged to the alopecic and very adorable Cheryl Carvery. As far as I'm concerned, she's free to wear a wig or do whatever else she wants to do with her head. However, I doubt whether her alopecia would be the non-issue it is for us if she had concealed it from me until she thought I liked her or was all but hooked. And that's really my only issue with alopecic women wearing wigs: I prefer and encourage them to discuss and show a prospective mate their alopecia soon and very soon after meeting the person. Doing so can spare both you and your potential beau a whole lot of grief.

Comment by rj, Co-founder on December 4, 2008 at 12:44pm

Oh yeah, I probably should also point out that I'm wary of any woman (or man!) who makes such excessive use of cosmetics, headwear and the like that it completely alters rather than complements or accents their natural beauty. Of course, I can't speak for others, but I tend to want to get the know the person I'm actually LOOKING at! LOL

Comment by Rose Marie' on December 4, 2008 at 10:06pm

Isn't how you present yourself just a choice. I understand the deliberation about this subject and I support everyone finding the choice that makes them feel great. I don't necessarily think that wig wearing or not wig wearing, wearing fake eybrows or not has anything to do with the true soul of a person. It's just a choice which often helps people feel good about themselves. I suppose this is where social acceptance and personal choice go hand in hand. Because the community you live in will have an expectation on how you should present yourself. This can sometimes go against the person's personal wants. It's quite a complicated subject with many variables on what is acceptable and what isn't for a person or a community. I am effected by the choices people make when presenting themselves. Everybody is. All our comfort zones for presenting ourselves have come about through social, personal and cultural influences. It's ok to push the boundaries on how you want to present yourself, but with every choice there is a consequence. I think the biggest problem with alopecia is that it isn't a choice to loose your hair. That has been foisted on all of those dealing with this condition, so to totally accept that it has happened and embrace the look that has been forced upon you can be traumatic and difficult and also uplifting and strengthening. There's that choice again.

I personally love when people feel good about those choices. Whether it be to present yourself with hair or without, with make-up or without. The human condition dictates that we often change our look. I mean look at fashion (ugliest thing in the world because it has to change every few months LOL-somebodies quote not mine). So, embrace who you are and experiment with looks - doing what makes you comfortable in your world.

Rosy

Comment by rj, Co-founder on December 4, 2008 at 10:36pm

All well and good about choices, Rosy, but I think we all know that sometimes people are just plain ol' hiding something they believe will cause others to reject them. In other words, it's one thing for a woman, alopecic or otherwise, to wear a wig simply because she wants to and quite another for her to wear it because she's convinced that she can't hook a man with it. I've dated women who wore all kinds of cosmetics for all kind of reasons; the only ones I was put off by were the ones that truly had something to hide and did everything within their power to keep it hidden until they felt I liked them. Of course, the obvious but perhaps unspoken and often unacknowledged problem with this is that physical attraction IS part and parcel, essential and integral to romantic attraction. Dating and falling "in love" isn't just about loving someone's "inside," whatever that means, but it's also about liking what you SEE with the two eyes in your head. If a wig or anything else is really meant to completely conceal one's natural appearance because the person wearing the wig believes they're "ugly," "unappealing," or "unattractive," then, for me at least, there's a problem. A serious problem.

Comment by Val on December 5, 2008 at 1:01am

First I too do most of my thinking in the shower and secondly I don't think you're being fake at all. I have discovered in the short time I've been an alopecian that wearing a wig is just as much for me as for everyone else I might encounter. It has become a fashion accessory that allows me to feel put together and like I'm placing my best foot forward.

Comment by Mari on December 5, 2008 at 9:32am

RJ I do get what you are saying, and in that respect I have to say personally I don't ever try to "hide" my true self. When I finally find the one I want them to love and accept me for who I really am, not for some idea that they have. And you gals have a valid point that I sometimes forget, the wigs and make-up are just an accent or as Val said accessories :o) I guess I just worry I have more accessories to take off than some other woman LOL.

Comment by Rose Marie' on December 6, 2008 at 3:40pm

Hi

I've thought about my answer here for a couple of days. I tend to agree with you RJ, but maybe I'm missing the point. If someone wears make-up to hide or a wig to hide then it would ultimately be a trust issue with the person or persons they are hiding from. It may have nothing to do with that person and everything to do with the individual who is feeling inadequate. If someone feels ugly or unappealing or unattractive you would need to ask why? What in their life is dictating this thought process. Then I would think support, encouragement and acceptance until trust has been reached would be the answer for all involved. I might be getting the wrong end of the stick here and sorry if I am.

Rosy

Comment by rj, Co-founder on December 6, 2008 at 4:36pm

Hey, Rosy. No need to apologize. ;-) I agree with you that support, encouragement and acceptance are in order whenever someone we care about is hurting for whatever reason. However, I wasn't talking about being a friend to a friend per se. In my last response to you, I was referring specifically to situations in which the intent is to deceive for whatever reason. In other words, I can be a friend to anyone, but I want to be intentionally misled by no one, especially someone who is trying to land me as her man. LOL

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