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Bad day turned to bad couple weeks
After having been bald for more than 6 years you would think that I would finally have accepted my hair loss but apparently I haven't (even though I thought I had). As some of you guys know I recently graduated high school and in a few weeks I will be starting college. All of these milestones have released a whole rush of bad feelings and thoughts towards my alopecia that I had thought were almost completely gone, which has really freaked me out. I guess it started on the day of my college orientation where all students there for orientation were expected to share a dorm room since orientation lasts two days. Thankfully I have Chloe (my twin) and we managed to get there early and get a room together, but it made me think..what if we hadn't? I know I certainly wouldn't have been okay with sharing my alopecia with a total stranger or trying to sleep with my wig on. On the very first day meeting some of my fellow new students I was hit with the same thoughts that I had when I changed high schools...here goes another round of not necessarily lying but not fully being myself either. I feel so torn into two directions that it has just led to 3 weeks of extreme sadness and depression and anxiety that I can't seem to beat. I have been wearing only a bandanna at the barn that I ride at for almost two months now (I decided that this summer I wasn't going to suffer in GA humidity) and while it doesn't bother me to wear it there, I almost had a panic when I realized that I had forgotten one day that after going to the barn we were going to the outlet malls and I had forgotten my wig. These two places are about an hour apart with our house not in the middle so I didn't say anything to my family (because they would have been more than happy to drive home first) on the way and only after did they know that I had been really uncomfortable with it. I don't know if it is because I have quite a few other health problems that severely impact my life already, but I haven't been able to shut off the little voice in my head that keeps saying "why this too?". It doesn't help either that my identical twin sister has a full thick mane of hair that has never shown any signs of falling out while I am completely bald from head to toe. I don't know what to do anymore because I am tired of wearing wigs all the time but I am also a relatively shy person that gets very nervous when all eyes are on me, and I feel like every eye is turned on me when I wear a bandanna or go without even that. I'm tired of always having to have a plan for going to places like theme parks or swimming pools, I'm tired of feeling like people think I'm a freak, I'm tired of having to decide when someone is firmly planted enough in my life to know about my alopecia, I'm tired of constantly worrying about whether or not my wig looks real enough, and I am tired of watching tv or even just looking at people walking down the street that have hair and thinking how much I want it. I just don't know what to do anymore. What do you do when you don't think you will ever be completely comfortable around anyone besides your closest family or be able to be completely you around anyone besides them? I just don't know how much more suck I can take in my life before it crushes me.
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Comment by Kris Fenchel on August 6, 2009 at 8:18am
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Oh my gosh Dielle I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. I totally and completely understand how you feel. I my self never felt comfortable wearing a wig. When my hair started to fall out I wore hats. My saving grace was surrounding my self with friends. It was with the support of these friends that I shaved the remaining strands of hair off my head and for awhile I would go around with nothing on my head. It is hard though and I eventually reverted to scarves and hats, which I am perfectly comfortable with. I know this probably sounds cliche, but it will get better:) I was twenty-one when I found the first patch, I am forty-one now and I am completely bald. I am also married to an awesome man who loves me for me and I have a beautiful daughter. I know that it is hard when you are going into a new situation with new people who don't know you are why you look the way you do. I have always found that honesty was best. And you know what there will always be people out there who just don't get it, but there are also people out there who will see you for the beautiful person you really are and those are the only people who matter any way. I have had those low points, I have asked God why me? What did I do to deserve this? What I have come to realize is that God does not give us anything that we can not handle, what does not kill us only makes us stronger. I don't think I would be the person I am today if it was not for my beautiful bald head, and you know what I love who I am. Be strong Dielle, enjoy college, surround your self with people who love you and you will be ok:)
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Comment by Tallgirl on August 6, 2009 at 9:46pm
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I wore a very carefree, short wig in college that took no time to put on, and I had one longer one for fancy dates. Our freshman girls' dorm floor was so wild and crazy that I forgot all about the alopecia and had fun. Having the guy I liked tell me that hair doesn't matter in love made me finally believe love and marriage would be in my future, and I got even more relaxed. Hair grew in by junior year, and I danced the night away at a frat mixer the day I got my first salon haircut in YYYYEEEEAAAARS!!! Good mood from other things can work wonders on one's spirit...and maybe release hair from the bonds of alopecia, too.
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Comment by Dielle on August 7, 2009 at 2:30am
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I would just like to thank everyone for their responses, especially Annalyn because our situations at the moment seem to be so similar and it was nice to hear that I am not the only one thinking this way. I was going to live at home anyways since I am going in-state just to save some money and because the dorms at my college are kind of creepy and depressing, but that one night just caused me a lot of anxiety before because there was a big chance I wouldn't have gotten a room with my sister. I think what really bothers me about my alpoecia is that it has so much control over me with so little effort. I have always gone completely bald when I am at home (the first thing I do when I walk in the door is whip off my wig) I think because I was in complete denial when it first happened (I am extremely stubborn so my denial was pretty well entrenched), and because it happened so gradually (slowly thinning to nothing) that I just got used to walking around with relatively nothing on. Its funny how much braver I was when this first happened or maybe I was just too young to care about what other people thought but when I used to play soccer (played for five years) I only ever wore my bandanna. I don't maybe it was because my schoolmates were mostly the ones I was playing with and they had seen it happen slowly over time just like myself so they just kind of took it as normal. Now I don't think I could do that. the only reason I can wear it to my barn is because I have been around the people there for almost 2 years and they are just an extremely kind group of people. I wouldn't say that it is bad in any way that you can't go out of the house without your wig because I don't feel comfortable doing it unless there are very specific circumstances. If we make a stop on the way to the barn I don't get out of the car so very few people actually see me in my bandanna.
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I am also sorry for the long rant of my blog because generally I am a very upbeat person, but there are times like this one where I just can't seem to find my naturally happy giggly self. Usually I am the type of person that physically can't stop laughing at something for 20 minutes or more when something even remotely funny is said and I love a good joke but there just seems to be this dark cloud hovering over me right now. Usually wallowing in it for a few days helps but nothing seems to be able to shake this.
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