Is it possible to have a deep, multi-layered crisis in your life that somehow manages to touch every aspect of your being?

Sometimes it seems to me that we humans seem to continuously move between crises -- whether they are those of our own making or those created by someone else that has a direct impact on us -- and yet, when we finally emerge from the crisis of the moment into some area of peace, it seems we're never satisfied with that status quo -- and often end up looking for the next crisis to begin so that there is some sense of normality.

I used to think that I was immune from a life of perpetual crisis -- but the last several months have completely and thoroughly disabused me of that notion. Maybe it all started back in Memphis when I lost my eyebrows. Suddenly, I found myself questioning everything I ever knew to be true about alopecia, about my life, about my desirability, about absolutely everything. I thought that moving back home to be close to family and friends would help me to find my way. I thought that finally getting the man that I wanted for so long would be the answer to what I was looking for. Most importantly, I thought that my faith would get me to that inner peace that seems to have totally left me.

Deep down, I don't think that I'm any less strong that I have been in the past, and I still try to be as encouraging as I can for others going through the same thing as I am, because in the past year, if I haven't learned anything else, I have learned that I am not alone in this journey with alopecia. I've also come to realize just how much alopecia has affected my life without me even realizing it. I wasn't aware of it then, but now I'm aware that every decision I make, from job opportunities to relationship opportunities and what I will and will not allow in a relationship, all these decisions are made first and foremost with how someone else will react to my alopecia in mind. I know I've screwed up major with Todd -- and I don't even know where to begin to fix it. Sometimes, I don't even think he wants me to fix it, but I am a woman unused to failure, and more than anything else I want to make things work with him. I always said that I wouldn't let my AA become an issue with us, and guess what -- it has. Sometimes, I have the feeling that I've failed to live up to his expectations, but because he's so quiet he won't ever tell me what those expectations are or were. I've tried praying about it again; to get to that place my grandmother always taught me would be right there no matter what -- but when I look at it with totally opened eyes, I feel like God stopped listening to my prayers a long time ago. I don't want to pray a hollow prayer just because that's what I'm supposed to do, and at this point in time I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I don't take any comfort in my family anymore -- where I used to feel safest is now the last place I want to be. For some reason, the whole family sees me as someone that needs to be protected, and as close as we all are, the need for them is there to still be involved in every aspect of my life -- but that protectiveness is increasingly more and more like a prison. I can't make my own mistakes, whatever they are, because they are always there to protect me from them -- from the oldest to the youngest, everyone is closing ranks to protect me from everyone -- including and especially my boyfriend. He's rapidly becoming a casualty in a war that he innocently walked into, and despite my best efforts, is quickly becoming the centerpiece of it. My mother is home from the hospital, but now she is dependent upon us for a lot of her care, yet she still wants to rule the roost with an iron fist, and that is simply not possible for her anymore. I feel like I need to take the time right now to focus on my own personal home life and not the family's home life, but the two are intertwined right now and will be for the foreseeable future.

Is this a crisis of faith, a crisis of confidence, a crisis of love, a family crisis, or a combination of all of these? And how do I begin to extricate myself from all of these? I started going to counseling again, and I enjoy talking to Kawema very much -- and maybe I should start bringing my blogs to our sessions, because it seems like I get more out on paper than I'm able to say.

You know, for some strange reason that I can't explain, I don't have the joy at having almost a full head of hair again that I used to have -- and having long eyelashes (albeit a bit thin) again isn't as exciting as it was at first. But I was happier than I've been in a long time when I went to the MAC counter at Belk on Friday and had my eyebrows redone and drawn in to look full. My coworker that went with me was so excited to see that she was almost in tears -- but my bf couldn't be bothered to notice something that simple and how happy it made me feel, even when I pointed it out to him. I'll keep drawing my eyebrows in, now that I know it can be done and that it looks really good, and maybe that in combination with my new wig will help me to overcome this lack of confidence that I seem to be stuck with for the time being.

My head also recognizes that the sooner my mother fully recovers from her stroke -- which she is doing steadily day by day -- the sooner I will be able to put my foot down about the entire family's interference with my relationship with Todd and not feel so guilty about it. But because I am so emotional lately, it seems those same emotions have totally clouded my judgment in that area too. I talked to my favorite cousin yesterday, and he pointed out to me that we are a very close-knit clan -- and clan is a very good word for it, more so than family -- that is used to being involved in every aspect of everyone's lives, and having someone come into the family that is the total opposite of that, even with their own family is sure to raise more than a few eyebrows and have several questions asked. I think he was able to sense that I need someone to talk to, because I can't talk to my sister or my mom without them overreacting to every little thing. Because he is going through his own issues in his marriage, my cousin can look at it objectively and relate -- and give me options that I'm sure to use. Perhaps this is the solution to the family crisis?

My crisis of faith -- all I can ask is that those of you that read my blog that are praying people continue to pray for me and keep sending good and positive thoughts my way, because that will be the only way that I can get past that. God knows my heart, and He knows that I have not forsaken Him by any means, but right now I'm in the desert crying out for Him to hear me, and I don't think He does -- or if He does, then does that mean He wants me to suffer a little while longer? I don't need any other examples to know that He exists -- I'm reminded of it in the carnage left by tornadoes, or when I'm on the beach looking out at the ocean, or when I'm looking at the Grand Canyon -- looking at what He has created, and knowing deep within myself that man can't even come close to imitating it, and anything he copies is a paltry, cheap imitation at best -- reminds me more than ever that God is here every day, everywhere, and all I have to do is just hand everything over to Him, and I should be alright, right?

Writing is therapeutic for me -- and I haven't blogged like this in a very long time. I actually feel a lot better getting all this off my chest. As always, I am welcome to comments and suggestions -- and RJ, you tend to give me a fresh perspective on everything you happen to read and comment upon, so I'm expecting you to read this too!
I look forward to everyone's comments on this blog post -- see you again soon!