About exactly a year ago, while I was getting a new hairstyle, my aunt pointed out my first spot in rear of the crown of my head. She explained it was alopecia and that my dad had spots a few years back. I did gasp superloud when I looked in the mirror at my backs reflection. It wasn't no bigger than a silver dollar. "How the heck did I miss this??" Constantly, for 2days I rubbed my little spot, not thinkin too heavy, since it was still unnoticeable to the world. I kept combing my hair in the same styles... still had my pep, you know? Really convinced that everyone gets spots, and they go away over time, I failed to "help" myself get better, or more concerned with the wellbeing of the hair of my head. My hair was thick,wavy, and long. I wasn't worried about losing a lot more of my hair, really. I thought it was at its worst when I found it.
Little to my surprise, as for all of us.. lol... more & more came out. I had little spots growing bigger, and bigger spots merging into huge spots. I kept changin my hairstyle, creating new "combover" techniques, but felt myself getting angrier, and confused. My boyfriend knew about them, he didn't care. Surpsisingly, he was a lot more supportive that I would have imagined. He would keep saying "Babe, if you tie your hair too tight you will make it fall out faster." My excuse? You don't know what this is like. I have to hide them." By November '09, the spots were at their worst, or so I assumed again. I kept trying to hide them. But it was getting to be a pain without any haircare products. My boyfriend was so adamate about regrowing my hair, allllll of my haircare products were disposed of. Hairspray, gel, mousse, everything! How was I supposed to hold anything in place w/o the hold?? But, in the end, I gave in. He was only trying to help.
I started wearing this knitted beanie almost every second of the day, and that was my only solution, until I persuaded myself enough to try wearing a wig. I never wanted to wear one because my friends wore them (no ties with hairloss, just didn't like their "real hair"), and they were itchy, hot, and pretty hard to manage (as far as synthetic goes, I suppose). You can't wash them, so whatever aroma you happened to grace through, you're a walking air "freshener". So, I did a little thinking, and a little searching. I needed a style that was as natural as possible. You know the routine... so, I talked to my boyfriend about a wig, and he was for it! I found a pretty style, and color... looked like mine w/ a great dye job. Ha! To this day I still wear my wig, but she definately needs to get upgraded! Her ends are a little ratty. Ehh.
I definately had to do some soulsearching. With each strand, I felt like a part of me was becoming lost. I was feeling more & more out of place.... and it seemed as if I was the only person in this area going through this. After the depression, I looked at myself. Hey, I have all my fingers, toes, eyes, I can walk... heck, I'm still above ground aren't I? I thought to myself, why am I lying to myself, this isn't a punishment. "[God] doesn't want me to have all of my hair, or he would grant me with it." I tried to appreciate the little hair I had left, and just accept it for what it was. He doesn't throw anything your way that you cannot handle. Although I came to that breaking point spiritually, I was still confused... so I began asking questions throughout my family.
To my surprise, a few my fathers side, and my mother, has had some sort of alopecia. My great grandmother actually lost patches, it grew back, and eventually it all fell out again, and then came back. It brightned my outlook because I could see that there was still hope. Everyone in the family had their time, now its mine.. guess I gotta be a big girl! :)
My hairloss stopped for a month or so, but recently it began to fallout again. My poor little bangs! =[ Sick&tired of pulling clumps out the comb, brush, ponytail holder, pillow, floor, and everything my head was near, I took a serious month of deciphering whether or not I wanted to do "it". I kept telling myself "if 40% of it is gone, I'm shaving it..." May 1st of this year, while everyone was out, I put my hair in its final ponytail, and proceeded to buzz my entire head. Once I did the first swipe acrosss the top of my head, I looked at myself, and started laughing. I, honest to God, felt relieved. I looked at the hair loss I truly had and its close to 60%... how the heck did THAT happen! Lol.
I felt more normal to myself without all the dead hair, than with these long stringy looking patches of strands I called hair. I looked in the mirror and laughed. I felt great! I was uneasy in front of others for the first week, but I just humbled myself, and just went on regularly as if I did have hair. Now, I do wear my wig out still, because I want to get a closer shave... I have dark patches where I do have hair, and its a pretty odd 5o'clock shadow lol... Plus, I'm still trying to work on my people skills. It's hard to get teased, and let it roll off your back. I haven't came up with a list of witty comments for the bullies quite yet. =P
In front of family, I don't bother wearing my wig.... because they love me! My sister thinks I look edgy, my aunt hates how cute my head is bald, my dogs still recognize me, and my boyfriend still cuddles with me. So, Hey, all is well in Keishaville. :) Its been a long emotional road, but all in all, I thank God for giving me this experience. It has showed me more than any other life lesson I could imagine. It has taught me that physicals, generally speaking, only last so long..and your true beauty comes from YOU. Yes, its a trending topic in AlopeciaWorld, but isnt that a beautiful thing??? And you know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No, not everyone will like me. All I can ask from everyone is respect, am I right? I wish people weren't so close-minded. But hey, that's a whole different blog.
At the moment, I'm beginning to lose my right eyebrow, this experience is starting to be interesting rather than depressing for me... I wonder the extent that my hair loss will be taken, its almost a game for me now. Hey if you can't beat 'em, join em... =]