Okay so last night I was in the shower and got to thinking ( oh I know, best place to be contemplating huh?) So anyway I was washing my face and making sure I got my new temporary tatoo eyebrows all off and thought- sometimes I just feel so fake! I am totally cool with my appearance don't get me wrong. I wear my wig and make-up to work and special nights out. Other than that it is a baseball cap or just my shiny bald head LOL. But there is this feeling I get when I meet people that don't know I have alopecia and I am "dressed". I have my wig on, make-up to cover the fact no eyelashes, the eyebrows- which by the way are the coolest, and shoot I even do my nails! Fake- that's me. All the stuff I am wearing isn't me, I am like presenting this persona that doesn't exist. Does that make sense???? The feeling is totally against what we all want- to be able to not have this vain look on people. You know, that it is all about appearances. And I make such an effort to not view people, or look at things that way. But then I feel that way about me. Like if that person saw "me"- they will think I tricked them or something. Feel like I was trying to fool them. I know- like I am a LIAR. That's the word.

So the conundrum: I love being bald and free and I hate being bald and free. I accept that I am who I am, and it makes me so angry to be who I am. I am blessed to not have to worry about so many things, and feel so guilty because I look at the "normal" people and envy them.

So I am wondering; is there anyone else out there that feels the same? This back and forth? And heck- I think the worst thing about feeling this way is I make such and effort to be so darn positive and carefree and here I am whinning. There's another conundrum LOL!!!!

Mari