Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Steve on August 9, 2009 at 12:48pm

Hi Sally,

Sorry to hear your feeling low. Personally, I find honestly is the best policy. If anyone askes me about my hair, I just explain that I have alopecia, and that means that my hair falls out! Afterall, its nothing to be ashamed of - we are what we are. There are no simple answeres. This is what works for me, but you need to figure out what works for you and do just that :)

Steve

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Permalink Reply by Gill on August 9, 2009 at 2:28pm

Oh Sally
This is such a hard thing to do, it depends so much on you and your work collouges. Whatever you do, only tell them when YOU are ready. What about taking a picture of yourself with out your wig, doesnt have to be full face on. Then when your ready you can say something like I have alopecia, this is a wig, and here is a photo of me without a wig. Then just leave them, they will ask questions, if your uncomfortable answering then just say so.
When I got to the stage that gel, clips and hairbands didnt hide it, I told the nosey big mouthed one first, and she did the anouncement for me. They were all great and once I started wearing a wig, we had some really funny incidents.
My advice is dont let them bully you into making an announcement, do it when you are ready. Wait till your heart heals a bit.................Good luck
Gill XXXX

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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on August 9, 2009 at 9:35pm

If they are baiting you because they want to laugh AT you, then do NOT give them a reason. They must have both heard the same gossip that day are are too stupid to realize you'd figure it out...so call their bluff and ask, "Oh, why do you want to know? I love this look, don't you?" and then watch them mumble. If their intentions are kind (probably not, because normal people NEVER comment with words like "so perfect" on real hair), they will agree that your style looks good and then they will just silently walk away. But the nosy ones will prod to get a wig admission out of you. I never give THOSE types the chance, so I just say, "Thanks!" and walk away, pretending not to hear the other part of the question. All you need to say is that you like your new look. The rest is none of their business. You can also quickly change the subject to something work-related or media-related, and if they try to come BACK to the topic of your hair, you can always say, "Excuse me, I think you want to talk to the manager. I'll go get him/her." (Cue Human Relations that you might do this.) Not knowing who they are or what damage they could do socially or professionally, I personally would NOT show a bald photo of myself. That tactic backfired on me at one job (I actually took my wig OFF, following bad advice of a superior), and I was harrassed to the point of tears daily.

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Permalink Reply by Sally on August 10, 2009 at 6:52am

Thanks for all your advice everyone. Tallgirl you really hit the spot there, because the first one who asked me I quickly changed the subject to his previous hair style. The second one who asked 10 minutes later i just kind of exploded politely and said "nope i wear a wig and this is me. i thought you might have known already". The guy looked shocked and said he didnt know (maybe pretending to get a wig confession) and then i spoke up and said that "the other guy asked me ten minutes ago, so if you want to know something come and ask me properly, you obviously want to know something" then he just went quiet. Then later the other guy commented on my "funky eye makeup" (i have no eyelashes or eyebrows so i use liquid eyeliner on my lids- bit of a amy winehouse look) and that upset me too. So i went off and got a cab home in a rather emotional state. Its just i dont mind telling people - its who i am, but its the awkward thing that if years pass and its still not known by all then people see that my hair is always in place and question it and maybe think im deceiving them. Its difficult, its just upset me especially because it was on a night out with who i thought were friends. Thanks all. x

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Permalink Reply by Sharon Stokes on August 10, 2009 at 11:02am

I agree with a lot of the great advice you have gotten here.
What worked for me was to take control of the situation. Once I felt that some colleagues were looking at me kinda funny, I took the bull by the horns and told people on MY terms. I am by nature an "up" person, usually making jokes. I have universalis, so, while talking to a woman in my school whom I trust, I mentioned that I hadn't shaved my legs in 8 years and laughed. She asked why, I told her. Kind of off-hand ("I have alopecia. I am the master of the 5 minute shower!"). Luckily, no one has been cruel or unkind (at least to my face). They have learned not to pity me - in fact some say they are jealous since I never have a bad hair day!
I think you need to control the information, control the whom and how you are going to tell but do it in your own way. Just keep in the front of your mind - you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of. Alopecia in not a handicap. It just is. Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Carol on August 10, 2009 at 10:49pm

Take it from someone who is currently going through the process of filing a human rights claim against a company that fired me for refusing to take off my company hat, which was acceptable according to the dress code. It is a much longer and more detailed story however discrimination in the workplace is quite common and we can't always speak out against it unless we are prepared to fight for our rights. Granted, it was my choice to go in bald or with scarves, depending on whether I've shaved recently or not but summer hit and the company baseball hat was perfect for letting enough air in whereas wigs and scarves can be restricting. It's a silent discrimination, you're just treated differently because most management at any rate is smart enough to know what they can't say. I stopped wearing wigs in the first place to avoid nasty little confusions like this however I find in the workplace it doesn't seem to matter either way so just do whatever makes you feel most comfortable, people will talk either way and it's all about how you deal with their reactions and comments that have the biggest impact. Since everyone knew anyways, I at least had fun changing up my looks all the time and sometimes they would even think there was a new girl on the floor. Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Renee J. on August 10, 2009 at 11:54pm

Have read most, if not all of the comments - I'd like to chime in with this. People who try to ridicule or belittle other people with crude comments are quite insecure about themselves. You have two choices - 1) meet folks where they are or 2) Raise above it. In this case I think you should raise above it. I elected to "come out" after hiding behind braids, weaves and lots of wigs for most of my adulthood. I had to hit the maturity mark in life to finally say " This is MY life, and the only person I have to please is me". So I've been into this bald look for the last 5 months. I've received stares, snickerss, gaugy looks , and laughter. But, I've also received some of the most beautiful and heartfelt comments about my appearance - and these are the ones that I choose to embrace and allow to carry me thru the day. How you handle this particular circumstance will set the precedence on how you're to handle future ones. I say take the high road because at the end of the day - who is it about, I mean really.

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Permalink Reply by Sally on November 28, 2010 at 10:25am

wow a year on I am re-reading my post and to think the last year has seen a few more work related comments. one guy said to me as i walked past him in a hurry in a corridor 'be careful or your wig will fall off'. i've also had a guy 3 days in a row say 'wow your hair looks great today'...it got old fast....and i've also found out my ex-bf apparently told everyone at my previous work place before we even got together.......so i question what our r.ship was actually based on now, was he gossiping about me?. it's so funny that it is always men who make comments or try to drop the bait. almost because they take offence that my appearance with my bubbly personality isn't all that it seems in reality. very strange to be told by people you are brave when you are younger, and when you enter the world of work it becomes a way to bully. x

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Permalink Reply by susan williams on January 27, 2011 at 11:25pm

i have returned to work part time this week after 3 months on the sick with a nervous breakdown, work changes and bullying by boss made my hair fall out.....i had to go back to work, what i did was have some pictures taken on my phone of the back of my head where the loss is worse and the different staff i worked with i showed them the pictures (they were aware of what caused it before i went back)

as i feel comfier with a turban on (and less self conscious, than wearing a wig) i felt ok about it and....... all the staff were so caring and treated me as i was before the hair loss, so being honest for me worked (the boss in their eyes is the baddy, HE IS THE ONE WHO HAS LOST RESPECT NOT ME!!

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Permalink Reply by Dominique Cleopatra on January 30, 2011 at 7:29am

Sorry to hear about all the work b.s. You've been going through. It sounds like you work with a bunch of immature peeps. Incidentally, my hair system is always a little "effortlessly messy" and no one has ever once said my hair was "too perfect." It does make me laugh when people ask me if this Is my real hair color.

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Permalink Reply by Just Me on February 6, 2011 at 8:35pm

I think if people don't have the balls to ask, they don't deserve to know!!! Ha Ha Ha!!!!

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Permalink Reply by nrja on February 12, 2011 at 4:24am

we cant get over our emotion , our fear always step us back from social life , more alone , more thinking problem , more less ready to face the world , this is really devastating chain reaction

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