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Must your love interest 'see' your alopecia?
My alopecic and adorable wife doesn't wear wigs or any other head covering. Nevertheless, sometimes I wonder how I might have reacted if she hadn't allowed me to actually see her alopecia until months after I started dating her. What if she had concealed her alopecia only to reveal it to me after we fell in love -- or simply after I became accustomed to seeing her with a wig on?
Would it have made a difference? I really don't think so, but this I know for sure: It's one thing to know that someone has alopecia and quite another to know what they actually look like with the condition.
Given the importance of looks in the context of most amorous relationships, how important might it be for an alopecian to show their condition to someone with whom their developing a serious relationship? How risky might it be for an alopecian to simply tell a love interest about their condition and only unveil it after the relationship is quite serious? Indeed, is this a general problem area for single, or even married, alopecians that you know?
Some time ago, someone rightly pointed out that it's not appropriate to reveal such personal matters to just anyone. Therefore, I need to emphasize that this is NOT the issue I'm raising with this discussion.
Rather, I'm here interested in knowing your thoughts on the following issue alone: Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not know what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
Would it have made a difference? I really don't think so, but this I know for sure: It's one thing to know that someone has alopecia and quite another to know what they actually look like with the condition.
Given the importance of looks in the context of most amorous relationships, how important might it be for an alopecian to show their condition to someone with whom their developing a serious relationship? How risky might it be for an alopecian to simply tell a love interest about their condition and only unveil it after the relationship is quite serious? Indeed, is this a general problem area for single, or even married, alopecians that you know?
Some time ago, someone rightly pointed out that it's not appropriate to reveal such personal matters to just anyone. Therefore, I need to emphasize that this is NOT the issue I'm raising with this discussion.
Rather, I'm here interested in knowing your thoughts on the following issue alone: Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not know what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by lynne on
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that was a very interesting read, and i am recently trying to go on dates and find myself a lovely man and i would probably wait till we were in love before i would show anything, but then again it depends as i have shown a couple of friends so if we connected pretty well then defo maybe before,
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Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on
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Hi
I have thought this all through for many years in the hope of helping my daughter with this exact issue. In my experience with many that have alopecia I have come to understand that for many to show their head can be like standing in a room naked - they feel exposed and vulnerable. For many I have found it is a very personal thing. I totally accept this point of view and do my best to make people feel totally comfortable in my presence when their head has to be exposed. If the choice is to wear a headcovering of some sort - whether it be a hairpiece, hat or bandana, when to show can become an issue.
My advise to my daughter (with regards to dating) was to always be open about her hairloss from the beginning as it is neither shameful or something that made her less. We discussed what she thought was the best time to show her head as for her it was a very personal thing and something she felt was intimate. My advise to her was to only do this when she had prepared the way for herself in the relationship to be open about her concerns and shyness about her hairloss. I have noticed as she has got older this really has become far less of an issue (maturity helps). There are all types of intimacy and for my daughter to show her head it was a very intimate moment. It took thought, trust, care and love. This worked for her and she is very comfortable in her current relationship being totally open and presenting herself as she pleases when she pleases. Her BF just loves her (and in my mind why wouldn't he she's lovely :))
Everyone is different in their choices - like Cheryl many prefer to present themselves without any type of head covering, and I'm sure this has it's own set of issues.
I'm sure many prefer a different course of action rather than what I advised my daughter and that's ok as long as it suits them.
For us this worked and works. :)
Rosy
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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Maturity helps, indeed. And I'm elated, Rosie, that your daughter is pursuing a course of action that suits her. However, I think it's also important to approach these matters in a manner that suits one's (prospective) non-alopecic partner as well; for, as YoKasta reminds us, if the timing of this revelation is right for the alopecian but not right the alopecian's love interest, disaster could -- and probably would -- follow. So, yes, while what may work for one alopecian may not work for another, I'd urge each alopecian to at least try to reveal and unveil their alopecia in a manner that reasonably suits their love interest, too.
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Permalink Reply by Aliennation on
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I often wonder this my self.I didnt have alopecia when I met my husband.. well I guess ive always it but it didnt flare up until the last 2 yrs..recently its been very bad Ive lost at least 60% of my hair..I would have never told my husband when we first met. even now that we have been together for 12yrs I dont like him seeing me like this..I m really emabaressed when I have a wig on in front of him .. I dont know but I think it would have made a diffrence.Maybe its just me being so shallow and insure but would a man really even give a woman a second look if when he first met her she was bald? If I affend anyone by posting this Im sorry ..but this is how I feel..
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SonnysWuv asks, "Would a man really even give a woman a second look if when he first met her she was bald?"
There's no doubt that the answer to this offensive question is an unequivocal yes. Just consider the myriad counterexamples -- in other words, all the men in the world who, like me, are actually in love with women who, like my wife, were bald when we first met them!
The problem certainly isn't that there are no men who find bald women attractive, but that far too many bald or alopecic women don't find themselves attractive. Moreover, there's the problem of "the forbidden fruit syndrome" -- people obsessively pursuing or maintaining relationships that they can't have or perhaps shouldn't have with people who don't want them in the first place.
People struggling with image issues need only to realize that there really is life beyond lookism. Not everyone is bondage to the beauty myth. Beauty is still in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder that sees your beauty only needs for you to grant yourself permission to see them, too.
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Hi RJ
It is an offensive question but I think one that rings true for many dealing with alopecia - it is blindingly wrong for those that fully accept people for all they are - but not all do this. I know you and I fully understand how truly beautiful the whole person is, but many become horribly focused on what was, what is lost and just don't know how to move forward. I agree with you that many alopecic woman struggle to find their niche, their outer and inner gorgeousness - for some it takes a lifetime for some a moment. This will impact on relationships because self love and self acceptance is a wonderful thing to be around and if it is missing it can be a struggle for all involved.
I believe most people truly can look beyond the outer layers, but it takes time when a change is thrust on you when you least expect it. :(
Rosy
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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If it was just the guy, that would be a bit easier. There is also, however, the chance that he or his peers and family are gossipers and teasers, or cruel people...so, I would take a LOT of time checking out the character of a man before a revelation. This could affect my career and image in a small town, just in trying to get groceries, go to a street fair, or make a living with comfort emotionally. People who feel wronged or slighted can use physical put-downs as revenge, too...and one never knows who will turn to this style of "communication."
Since I have had only two intimate relationships with alopecia, neither of which lasted, I am not the best person to ask. Now, just call me Cautious...or Semi-Retired.
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Great point, Tallgirl. But at what point is the unveiling of your alopecia worth the risk? What's your criteria for showing a love interest your alopecia vs. just telling him about it, if you tell him at all?
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When I am starting to fall for him, and he has somehow indicated he might feel the same. When I am starting to "want" him...and he has indicated that he feels the same. If it is one-sided on my part, I will probably keep the wig on because I consider my revelation to be intimate (as in an invitation to touch, nuzzle, stroke, share a pillow, etc.). Even playing Monopoly over drinks and laughs requires not being laughed AT or having eyes keep going to my head. I need to know more of me is of interest and loved, and that the guy isn't just here long enough to See the Freak's Truth, or to conquer, or to put another notch on his belt before riding off into the sunset...or sunrise.
I don't understand the "if you tell him at all" part, because OF COURSE he would have to know! Alopecia is a major part of who I am.
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Hi Paul
I don't know if I fully agree with you Paul with regards to alopecia being easier for men. I often think men are defined by their strong facial hair, hairy bods etc. and for hairlessness to be thrust upon them it can be challenging and difficult. I understand that a bald head is often very acceptable for a man, but that is not all that usually happens with alopecia, there can be patches that when shaved cause odd shapes, men often have very thick strong brows and facial hair that moves a male from boyhood to adulthood. It's definately a difficult change to be totally hairless for many males. It's never an easy journey for men or woman dealing with alopecia but it is so very doable.:) Look at you!!
I just saw the piccies of your baby - what a wee beauty!!!
Rosy
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Hi Paul
Yes, I very much understand that - it is much easier to be annoymous when you are a grown male without hair (male pattern thinning). It is very acceptable to society.
Rosy
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Paul J, I can see your point. However, I've the same question for you that I asked Tallgirl: At what point do you deem such vulnerability appropriate? In other words, what criteria do you use to determine that it may be time to let a love interest know the full emotional impact alopecia had on your life?
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