I have been losing the most hair ever lately. One shower episode lead to two full handfull of hair plus two brush fulls. It was strange I didn't cry. But...my husband took a look at the back of my hair the other day. He was pointing out where all the spots were. I asked him to take me up to the mirror to show me...I was shocked and devastated. The back of my head looked as though a lawn mower had attacked it...awful. I bawled...I mean just bawled. It was a down to the bottom of my toes bawl where you have no more tears to cry...I can't remember the last time I've done major crying like this. The top of my head is bad. I have a spot the size of a baseball followed with it's little sisters sprouting up everywhere. I am officially hat, scarf and soon to be wig bound. I'm scared at these possibilites, sad about it, and sometimes down right pissed off that this is happening to me!
I am pretty controlled for the most part. I don't obsess in the mirror anymore. Instead, avoidance of looking in the mirror for bald spots has helped me cope. But...I'm getting into the "can't hide it anymore" stage. A stage that you think of and try to prepare for when you first get the diagnosis...it's HEEEERRRE. It sucks. I still have a majority of great days. I smile, laugh, play and go out...life goes on. It's just the anxiousness of preparing to go in public. I was slightly anxious about this when I had hair and now...sucks.
I have a plan in terms of wigs, but I still have the butterfly, sick to my stomach feeling, when I think about going to the pool with the kids...what do you do? Camping? Working out? Going to bed with the hubby? UGHHHHHH. There are solutions I know. Acceptance is key. Most days I'm okay with acceptance...but there are moments...like the nightly routine, or the wind blowing, etc.
I am finding in all this and after even some bad moments that I'm still me, sometimes it shocks me...I'm stronger than I think I am.
Jesus is my rock in all of this although he has heard some nasty comments thrown at him during the "why me" times. I still have gained a better relationship and trust in him that was lacking before the AA hit. He has a plan for me and I am listening. I still will be me regardless in the end...whenever this will end.