Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
Polyana Positive gets Punched!
This stuff sucks. There, I said it. That's how I feel today.
My whole life I've been a self-proclaimed Polyana Positive. I'm pretty much CHOOSE to put positive spin on everything. It's my nature but it's also a choice. This ability has carried me through many challenges growing up. You know, really hard stuff that takes years of counseling to clear up. And I still look on the bright side. I am a mentally and emotionally healthy, stable, strong person. I've done lots of healing work that I think is really helping me deal with this. So, because I counting my blessings, stay positive and look on the bright side, I was a little surprised to find that deep inside I have this welling sadness about this whole damn thing. I decided to blog about it because I AM a positive, strong person. I know that this disease is going to do amazing things for making me strong, accepting and loving. But I want to be honest about how hard it is, even when my nature is to see life through a rose colored filter.
Bleh
So, here's the reality. I look at my thinning hair in the mirror at least 7,000 times a day. I pull up the little strands and let them stand up on their own. Then, with my wezzy little hair sticking out, I make really ugly faces at myself in the mirror! It makes me laugh and not take myself so seriously, so I guess I find that therapeutic. Then I just look at myself and say, "I'm going F*in' bald!" I constantly think about just getting rid of this nasty crap on my head and these icky yicky stringy sucky extensions! Ugh. These days I feel really ugly.
Yikes
While shopping around for my next hair piece the consultants have all said, "So, you've noticed you're thinning?" And they are referring to my extensions! Then they rummage around my head and realize what a miracle my hairdresser has done to create "hair." Even my bangs are teeny, tiny extensions! I don't feel emotionally ready for a full wig so I've decided to go with an integration piece made of cyberhair (like Amy's Presence but not a full wig). It will be integrated and attached for 4-6 weeks at a time. I've told myself I'm trying a different kind of
extension...more of a weave-style to get more fullness. That just shows me I haven't really fully accepted my alopeica.So. I guess that's where I'm at.
As excited as I am to move on, I'm also afraid my hair is going to look horrible, behave poorly in intimate situations, or that my natural hair is so thin it won't stay pulled through the netting then, uh-oh, I'll look like I have a cheap holey wig! Wow. Now that would suck! (Listen to all that fear, fear, fear.) These in-between times and the unknowing is hard. Ah ha! I've found the lesson. What do we ever really know? Life is all about the unknowing and being ok with the unknowing. Roll with the punches. Have a little faith! Joyfully leap into the unknown. Boldy go where no man...Ok. I'll stop there.
Yay
I've been so inspired by the stories of everyone on this site...those who are honest about their pain, disclose their fears and celebrate their victories! Because of all of you I can hold a vision of myself in the future when I am through this stage. Perhaps I'll be the cool chick who works out like crazy at the gym, pops her vaccum wig on and is out the door! Maybe I'll be the playful one who changes up her styles and colors. Oh, how I'd love to be the confident one who has a beautiful smooth head and a sparkle in her eye. But today I'm a bit of the confused one. Confident and gracious one moment, sad and scared the next. But I know it will pass because so many people here are paving the way, providing strength, role modeling and most of all, inspiration! Thanks to everyone here.
I hope my sharing my ups and downs it helpful to others as well.
My whole life I've been a self-proclaimed Polyana Positive. I'm pretty much CHOOSE to put positive spin on everything. It's my nature but it's also a choice. This ability has carried me through many challenges growing up. You know, really hard stuff that takes years of counseling to clear up. And I still look on the bright side. I am a mentally and emotionally healthy, stable, strong person. I've done lots of healing work that I think is really helping me deal with this. So, because I counting my blessings, stay positive and look on the bright side, I was a little surprised to find that deep inside I have this welling sadness about this whole damn thing. I decided to blog about it because I AM a positive, strong person. I know that this disease is going to do amazing things for making me strong, accepting and loving. But I want to be honest about how hard it is, even when my nature is to see life through a rose colored filter.
Bleh
So, here's the reality. I look at my thinning hair in the mirror at least 7,000 times a day. I pull up the little strands and let them stand up on their own. Then, with my wezzy little hair sticking out, I make really ugly faces at myself in the mirror! It makes me laugh and not take myself so seriously, so I guess I find that therapeutic. Then I just look at myself and say, "I'm going F*in' bald!" I constantly think about just getting rid of this nasty crap on my head and these icky yicky stringy sucky extensions! Ugh. These days I feel really ugly.
Yikes
While shopping around for my next hair piece the consultants have all said, "So, you've noticed you're thinning?" And they are referring to my extensions! Then they rummage around my head and realize what a miracle my hairdresser has done to create "hair." Even my bangs are teeny, tiny extensions! I don't feel emotionally ready for a full wig so I've decided to go with an integration piece made of cyberhair (like Amy's Presence but not a full wig). It will be integrated and attached for 4-6 weeks at a time. I've told myself I'm trying a different kind of
extension...more of a weave-style to get more fullness. That just shows me I haven't really fully accepted my alopeica.So. I guess that's where I'm at.
As excited as I am to move on, I'm also afraid my hair is going to look horrible, behave poorly in intimate situations, or that my natural hair is so thin it won't stay pulled through the netting then, uh-oh, I'll look like I have a cheap holey wig! Wow. Now that would suck! (Listen to all that fear, fear, fear.) These in-between times and the unknowing is hard. Ah ha! I've found the lesson. What do we ever really know? Life is all about the unknowing and being ok with the unknowing. Roll with the punches. Have a little faith! Joyfully leap into the unknown. Boldy go where no man...Ok. I'll stop there.
Yay
I've been so inspired by the stories of everyone on this site...those who are honest about their pain, disclose their fears and celebrate their victories! Because of all of you I can hold a vision of myself in the future when I am through this stage. Perhaps I'll be the cool chick who works out like crazy at the gym, pops her vaccum wig on and is out the door! Maybe I'll be the playful one who changes up her styles and colors. Oh, how I'd love to be the confident one who has a beautiful smooth head and a sparkle in her eye. But today I'm a bit of the confused one. Confident and gracious one moment, sad and scared the next. But I know it will pass because so many people here are paving the way, providing strength, role modeling and most of all, inspiration! Thanks to everyone here.
I hope my sharing my ups and downs it helpful to others as well.
-
Comment by Natalie on December 2, 2009 at 9:34pm
-
Great post, Alicia. Alopecia is certainly a roller-coaster of emotions, but keep your head up and never stop smiling :) You may not realize it, but you really are a great role model for other women out there who are dealing with a similar experience; I think that if we all take a little bit of strength and support from each other, us alopecians will be unstoppable! :)
-
Comment by Alicia Duncan on December 2, 2009 at 10:04pm
-
Mike, how funny you said that alopecia has made you "too strong." I was listening to a song tonight and it inspired a doodle (I like to doodle little stick figures...a talent I'm sure will get me far one day- ha!) Anyhow, the image that popped to mind was a huge shield with a little face peering over it with a heart and a question mark coming out of the top. I don't know...it just seemed to signify, "I've been hiding behind this tough exterior...is it ok to come out now." Kinda coincides with your sentiment...exactly! Weird, eh? :) Again, thanks for your support! You're amazing!!!
-
-
Thanks, Natalie. You've been incredibly inspiring to me!
-
Comment by Mary on December 2, 2009 at 11:54pm
-
Thanks for sharing this, Alicia. We're all in this together, no matter what stage of the journey we're at. I remember exactly 2 years ago when my hair was starting to depart rapidly, thinking that my life would be over if I were bald. It's not. Hang in there.
-
Comment by Lisa Santer on December 3, 2009 at 8:12am
-
Hi Alicia. So glad you posted this. I just did the math & realized I've had some version of alopecia for 32 years. It's ranged from 2 holes to AT to AU to full regrowth, repeatedly. Your post reminded me of how hard the in-between times have been, & the immense sense of relief I've had after cutting off the patches. I love the sense of freedom in just being me, as I am. Scarves, hats, and bareheaded work for my life. And, after many consecutive years of no scalp hair when I dubbed myself "cleanhead", I admit I am not happy to have some patches of hair & holey eyebrows grow this year. Honestly, at this point I wish they'd all fall out again.
-
-
Hi Lisa, I've read so many stories that remind me of your own. It makes my heart hurt for you! How difficult it must be to have a full head, gone, patches, hair again!, gone again... So frustrating. I'm what I would classify a "Slow Diffuser" at this point. Regardless, the desire to be in one known place is just human nature, I suppose. "I'm here, I get how this works, let's leave it this way!" Now, if Alopeica would just cooperate. hee hee! :) I hope you have a great day, Lisa. Thanks for the comment.
-
-
Dom
Are you the author of this poem? It is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for posting. I think I might print a copy for my office wall if you don't mind. Thank you for sharing!!!
-
Comment by Mallory Crowner on December 3, 2009 at 3:23pm
-
Alicia...no matter what, keep your chin up! ;o) Alopecia sure is a roller coaster of emotions. Always. I have my days when I forget about it and then I see a really cute hairstyle and wish for my hair to be back. I have never worn a wig, I did try for a couple of hours, but it just isn't me. I've never been in to makeup or anything so to me it's just too much maintenance. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as we all can relate on so many levels!!
-
Comment by linda carraway on December 3, 2009 at 5:19pm
-
The poem was awesome it says everything alot of us are feeling.I would love to see it reprinted to let the world know how this is affecting us. Maybe you could send it to OPRAH and they would do a story in the magazine,now that would give this the exposure we need to get the word out to the people out there that think they're alone. I'm not hiding it anymore,shaved and happy !!!!!!!!!
-
Comment by brenda kay on December 3, 2009 at 10:00pm
-
i can so relate with you. i am a hairdresser who went bald last march. people think i am coping wonderfully. i have been told i have made lemons into lemonade......screw them...they have hair and i wear wigs. i can't feel the wind blow my hair. i can't look at myself in the morning mirrow without seeing a freak of nature. BUT... each morning, i put on my wig, paste on my lashes, and trace on my brows and face the world with a painted on smile. Sometimes i can even fool myself into thinking i am happy.
© 2024 Created by Alopecia World.
Powered by
You need to be a member of Alopecia World to add comments!
Join Alopecia World