Losing my...everything! Bah!

So over the past year I've had a lot and ups and downs with my AA. To start I guess I should tell you I've had AA since i was 10, and 15 years later here I am! All through out middle school and high school I just had a really weird hairline in the front while the rest of my head was covered in thick brown hair. Towards the end of high school my eyebrows fell out and my hairline had receded 2+ inches from where is normally is. Over the past 9 yrs I have done topical injections, systemic injections, all the diff. steriod creams, rogain, and latisse (lumigan, cheaper and I don't have insurance).
For a while I was doing really well... But once I realized the toll systemic steroids could do on my body I decided to stop. Turns out the steroid made me gain 30lbs, which I have now lost and now topical injections aren't keeping up with the amount of hair loss I'm having.

I'm starting to lose my hope, I feel like I should be happy I had hair and as much as I did for as long as I did . but more then ever before is falling out.
I'm starting to lose my happiness, Every time I see hair in my hand I think I'm slowly becoming a bald monster.
I'm starting to lose my personality, I love hanging out with all my friends, but I can't let go and be myself because I sit daydreaming of what I would do with their hair if I had it.
I'm starting to lose my Comfort, My head never stops itching.
I'm starting to lose my feeling of femininity, I don't have all my eyelashes to bat, I can't do anything with my hair except wear it straight.
I'm starting to lose my mind, I'm never focused during the day peoples hair distracts me, I'm always trying to bargain with God " you give me hair I'll do anything".

I guess you could say I'm losing my everything.

I wonder if shaving my head would force me to face all my fears and insecurities? Till I decide I guess I just have to bank on all the sayings to come true:
God never gives you more then you can handle.
When one window closes another opens.
What is meant to be will be.

Views: 33

Comment by Tallgirl on April 29, 2011 at 9:30pm
Personally, I could never deal with loss of hope that my hair would grow again, so during AA I just trimmed off whatever of my own hair showed peeking out too long from under a wig. The wig was my key to feeling feminine at high school and college; I could also avoid judgment and questions. Then...my hair grew back at 20, and I had hair for dating in my 20s and for my marriage and children's births. When it fell out again later (late 30s), I was angry, sure...but just went back to wigs. Problem solved.

Oh yeah...I do wear make-up, perfume, jewelry and non-masculine clothes when in public.

Platitudes are words: one also needs decisions, actions, changes. Listen, but also do.
Comment by Sheila Pinder on May 1, 2011 at 9:53pm
Hair is just that, hair. I am not taking how you feel lightly. There are so many other medical conditions that one could have instead of (or in addition to) Alopecia. Through the years people lose many things, but you always have your personality. I say walk tall with what you have and hold your head up high. Do whatever you need to do to make you feel at your best. There may be down days, but they will decrease.

I went through a few years of working with what I had then that became too bothersome physically and mentally. Once 'I' decided to shave I was so much happier. I do not wear wigs. I am happy when I walk in the rain and my hair cannot get messed up. I never have a bad hair day. There is one thing that I cannot understand. I sometimes get called sir when people are staring face to face with me and I have a 'DD' cup size. Are people blind?

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