Do you ever wish you could blame your alopecia for something?

That is how I feel tonight. My alopecia struck me 6 years ago at the age of 35. It came 2 years after my second child was born. My thyroid was not being treated properly and I was depressed. In fact, depression has lurked in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand my situations in life. To this day it is unclear to me why I was handed the life I got. I know that sounds scary but if you were in my shoes you would question it almost every day. You see, I lost my Mom when I was 7, the end of the summer before starting second grade. The day she died was the last day of my childhood. What I endured after her death was indeed another blow and it is what I carry with me until this day. My father suffers from a personality disorder: narcissism. I didn't know it while I lived under his roof but little by little, it became clear that it was not normal. Being the oldest child, I tried my best to keep the peace. None of us wanted to get caught in one of his rages. If he was happy, we were surviving. But inside, I was dying. I didn't know who I was; my feelings were not important and I did not know how to deal with them. The hurt that I carried was overwhelming and had often led me to suicidal thoughts...which sadly I still harbor to this day even though I am not under his roof anymore. Our relationship as parent/child fell apart when it was time for me to move out. I wanted nothing to do with my Dad and we didn't speak for several years. It was the best years of my life. When I was ready to start a family, we reconciled at the urging of my siblings. I dealt with having him back in my life but I really didn't like it. He hadn't changed even though I was a Mom and had a child and a husband that I needed to take care of. He refused to accept what I had chosen for myself. A few years later the relationship blew up again and this time all my siblings and I did it together. They realized that it was time to push him out of our lives after having dealt with the same awful things that I had gone through. It has been about 5 years now since we broke off contact with our Dad. I remember when I first told him about my alopecia. He responded by saying that my husband was to blame -- that he must have pulled my hair out when I was sleeping. I absolutely withered. If I could blame my alopecia on something it would be my Dad. For all the hell I have endured up until now -- and all the hell I will continue to go through as long as he is alive (even though we have no contact) the result is on my head. I need to ask: my Mom died when I was young; I was raised by a narcissist; and my hair is falling out -- what have I done to deserve this? These are three really major things in my life that affect me on a daily basis. Actually, I really don't know what it is like to have a Mom even though I am one. But, I still struggle with what my Dad did to me and I don't know if those bad thoughts will ever leave my mind. The alopecia thing I deal with every day. There is no escape to that either. I start every day and end every day with it. I can fill the middle of the day with other things. But somehow, I wish I could blame my alopecia on something. Then I could fix it.

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Comment by MaddiiBoo on March 19, 2013 at 6:35am

I wish I could give you a hug. You didn't do anything to deserve any of what happened to you. Sometimes we just get dealt a bad hand, I suppose. Have you ever looked into therapy, to help understand your issues? I know a lot of people don't think it helps but I am living proof. I have/had severe daddy issues. And even though I have them now, I know how to better deal wwith them and him. I sometimes blame him for my alopecia, but in truth my alopecia is stress related and I have had more than my fair share of that in the last few years. Just hang in there and remember that there is nothing you did to deserve your hairloss or your dad.

<3

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