Anxiety, fear and my pledge to myself

Warning: This is a total anxiety-fueled vent session, written in the hope the act of writing about my anxiety and fear will lessen it. We'll see.

Here I am again, bargaining and wondering what my problem is.
If God, the Universe, All That Is, or Who/Whatever would allow me to get away with NOT having MS, cancer, some neurological condition or any number of equally devastating diagnoses, I will be grateful if it's "just" (and I use that word cautiously, because we all know hair loss isn't a small thing) alopecia, of whatever form.

I'm absolutely freaked out and scared silly. Yoga and meditation only go so far and my anxiety is Queen these past few days.

I'm terrified I have MS, or something as bad or worse. Besides the hair shed, I have other weird symptoms that are worsening, like numb/tingly and sometimes raging hot-hot-hot feet and hands. Sometimes my handwriting sucks because my fingers are kind of numb, or I make lots of mistakes typing. I started exercising again, only to have to slow down the treadmill to a normal walking pace because I couldn't feel my toes properly. I've knocked things over while reaching for them. Mind you, there haven't been too many instances of this, but at least one of the sensory symptoms is always present (buzzing/numb/tingly/hot, sometimes swollen extremities).

I'm so tired of this. Similar to when a big shed happens and causes anxiety (and makes me seriously consider getting the razor), any flare of the peripheral neuropathy type symptoms spikes my fear/anxiety.

My blood tests are normal. Lupus & diabetes have been ruled out, hormone levels are within "normal" ranges, etc. My (new) doc mentioned MS, but said it would be an unlikely presentation. Still, MS?!? To her credit, she is consulting with colleagues and will get back to me when she has some ideas or a course of action, but man ... I'm fried.

I'll say it again, in the hope I can go back to it later and hold myself to this pledge: If I'm lucky enough to not have a nasty disease, and if I lose all my hair or choose to shave it myself, I will be grateful that it isn't anything worse. I will do my very best to be an ambassador for alopecia. I'm not saying I'll never wear a wig, but as you can see I'm an open book -- I'll definitely work to raise awareness; even if I should be twice blessed to be disease- free AND re-grow hair.

My .02 - mourn the loss of your hair and the resulting life changes, but at the same time be grateful for what you have. (Again, a reminder for me).

If anyone took the time to read through my self-indulgent drama, I thank you and wish you the best of days.

Views: 27

Comment by Bald and Fabulous AKA Terri on September 22, 2010 at 9:38pm
Stay Brave!!!! I feel for you and wish you all the best. Im happy to hear that you and your doctors are ruling out any other possibilities. When my anxiety was at the worse for me. I looked into the treatment of an acupuncturist. With the herb pills and the acupuncture itself I did start to feel better. Whether it was the treatment itself or my mind telling me it was working I didnt question it. I felt better.
Believe in your strength and stay brave. HUGS to you.
Comment by Chefpam on September 22, 2010 at 9:50pm
I feel your pain. I have thyroid disease, fibro, psoriatic arthritis, psoriasis, blah, blah, but never had my hair fall out like it is now with all this going on for 22 years. I don't know what is happening. But that anxiety queen of yours has a sister, prolly her Mother.....Hugs to you.
Comment by Sam Sam on September 23, 2010 at 12:52pm
Keep going! I too had the MS scare or something going on in my brian scare. I had Hasimoto Disease, which is a autoimmune thyroid, my thyroid was removed after they found out I had Cancer. When I frist came to the doctor, MS and Brain problems were one the top of the list and confirmed by a single brain lesion that know one knows what it is but I am grateful that I can breathe and live today. I am not worried. I am happy I am able to pray and live. Don't give up! Don't ever give up, just take it one day at a time.
Comment by Lori on September 30, 2010 at 8:20pm
Thanks Terri, Chefpam and Sam Sam for all the comments. I wish I could throw a big party and have you all over. We'd have some fun, definitely. Is there such a thing as AW get-togethers? No matter what the cause of your hair loss? Big hugs back to each of you.


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