Warning: This is a total anxiety-fueled vent session, written in the hope the act of writing about my anxiety and fear will lessen it. We'll see.
Here I am again, bargaining and wondering what my problem is.
If God, the Universe, All That Is, or Who/Whatever would allow me to get away with NOT having MS, cancer, some neurological condition or any number of equally devastating diagnoses, I will be grateful if it's "just" (and I use that word cautiously, because we all know hair loss isn't a small thing) alopecia, of whatever form.
I'm absolutely freaked out and scared silly. Yoga and meditation only go so far and my anxiety is Queen these past few days.
I'm terrified I have MS, or something as bad or worse. Besides the hair shed, I have other weird symptoms that are worsening, like numb/tingly and sometimes raging hot-hot-hot feet and hands. Sometimes my handwriting sucks because my fingers are kind of numb, or I make lots of mistakes typing. I started exercising again, only to have to slow down the treadmill to a normal walking pace because I couldn't feel my toes properly. I've knocked things over while reaching for them. Mind you, there haven't been too many instances of this, but at least one of the sensory symptoms is always present (buzzing/numb/tingly/hot, sometimes swollen extremities).
I'm so tired of this. Similar to when a big shed happens and causes anxiety (and makes me seriously consider getting the razor), any flare of the peripheral neuropathy type symptoms spikes my fear/anxiety.
My blood tests are normal. Lupus & diabetes have been ruled out, hormone levels are within "normal" ranges, etc. My (new) doc mentioned MS, but said it would be an unlikely presentation. Still, MS?!? To her credit, she is consulting with colleagues and will get back to me when she has some ideas or a course of action, but man ... I'm fried.
I'll say it again, in the hope I can go back to it later and hold myself to this pledge: If I'm lucky enough to not have a nasty disease, and if I lose all my hair or choose to shave it myself, I will be grateful that it isn't anything worse. I will do my very best to be an ambassador for alopecia. I'm not saying I'll never wear a wig, but as you can see I'm an open book -- I'll definitely work to raise awareness; even if I should be twice blessed to be disease- free AND re-grow hair.
My .02 - mourn the loss of your hair and the resulting life changes, but at the same time be grateful for what you have. (Again, a reminder for me).
If anyone took the time to read through my self-indulgent drama, I thank you and wish you the best of days.