It's one thing to say there are "men who don't mind" and quite another to tell whether a particular man is one. Therefore, I'd like for us share and discuss some of the things that a bachelorette with alopecia might look for in a real man who doesn't mind.

However, please note that this isn't a general discussion of the traits of a good man per se, but more specifically a discussion of the kinds of behavioral clues a man might exhibit were he genuinely attracted to an alopecic female rather than obsessed with her hairlessness.

If you were to assist a female alopecian with finding such a man, what advice would you give her?

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All I can say is that looks will draw a man (or a woman) in and personality, compatibility, etc., may keep him or her around,if he or she accepts you "as you are." or "as you look." There is no real test. If he does not approach you, at work, in a bar, etc, because of the way you look, and or if he says that he is not interested, in varuous ways, before he even gets to know you, then that is an obvious clue. As far as my situation goes, I am 53 years old, single, and never married, I lost all my hair, eye brows eye lashes etc, for the last time when I was about 14. I wore a wig for about 30 years. And while admitidly I have not approached enough women in my life, because of fear of how they would react, in every other case, especially when I took my wig of for good about 6 years ago, they have been turned off, shyed away, been more anti social than they have to others such as other co-workers, etc. In other words, I have not yet to this day, Never, met a women who "didn't mind" about my condition.
Actually I think that if you are really a man who don't mind you never stop to think about that question and you neither give your couple any reason to wonder about that, because you don't treat your couple in a different way only because she has alopecia that you would treat anyone else who don't, you just love her and care for her without any other distinction... at least that's my oppinion.
Santi, I would have to agree with you. I know my alopecia is not a problem for rj, because it is never an issue between us. He responds to me the same in all situation.
As a bachelorette, I really dread having the conversation. So much so, I find myself avoiding dating altogether. I don't think I need to tell everyone I meet about my alopecia but feel it's an important thing to tell someone you're interested in. I learned along time ago though, that the hard conversations really differentiate the men from the boys. :)

I agree that there needs to be an attraction at a deeper level, something more than physical attraction that will keep someone around.
When is the so called "right" time to tell the person you are dating that you have alopecia if they think the wig you are wearing is your real hair??? I have recently come across this..and have not shared this with him yet for fear of rejection.
thanks group
christy
I'm 29 years old and have a problem with dating. It's not a problem to find men; I just can't seem to let myself get close enough to enjoy their company, let alone tell them about my condition. I am fortunate, at this point, as i can still say i wear extensions because i want longer hair, or hair pieces because they are fun. I just feel like a phony for not coming clean and telling them that it is because I'm losing my hair for good. When is the right time and how do you keep him from trying to run his fingers through your hair when you wear a wig: which is a big fear of mine. I guess I am scared of rejection and to see the look on his face once he is told. Any suggestions from the ladies and fellas?

I'm really open about it. I feel like there is no other way to be. If you are secretive about your alopecia, it only seems to bring about negativity. For me, I wear wigs. I LOVE the fact that I can change my hair everyday, and that I don't have to shave my legs like EVER. And that's exactly what I said to guys on dates. I usually tell them on the first date, but I also have a tattoo for alopecia that piques peoples interest. It's a good way into an explanation. 

I have had guys tell me they think it's weird or strange, and that's crappy, but at the same time, it's a great test. If a guy calls me strange for having a disease that I cannot help having, then what's to say, if I didn't have alopecia, how they would act later on in the relationship if some health issue (that affects appearance especially) did arise? 

It took a lot of fishing around, but I eventually found a guy who absolutely appreciates me for who I am. For me, alopecia made me confident. It taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think about my hair, so long as I THINK I look good. My boyfriend has openly told me he thinks it's awesome that I can change my hair everyday, and that I look sexy as hell when I'm bald. He even gives me head massages.

Someone mentioned on the site before...(sorry I forget who that was) that the third date was an apporpriate time. I loved her explanation for this too. If I find it, I'll send you the link. If you give yourself a deadline, it also makes you take a hard look at if you want to let that person into your life or not.
Recenlty, I used that 3rd date rule. It had me make a decision about this 'suitor' much sooner than I would have. Allow me to paraphrase - although, I'm sure I'm not doing the original advice justice: 1st date - swap stories, get introduced; 2nd date - established chemistry, see if you share interests and match up according to your must haves and cant' stands; 3rd date - roll out the alopecia explanation and see if they stick around. If they do, then the relationship shows promise...if they don't forget em. They wouldn't stick around in tough situations down the road.

That's my advice and may have been my post though others have said similar things.
It's not appropriate to divulge any "health issues" of any type on a first or second meeting.

The standard line I suggest on the third date and in a public place is phrased in the form of a question as if you were just asking about something you had read in the news that day. it simply goes." Have you ever heard of a condition called alopecia areata?" Simple. Uncomplicated. Provides the answer you need to go to the next step. The next step is equally as nonchalant totally conveying it's not any big problem. Normally I would say that you can act (pretend) in many situations to be confident while you're really still getting your confidence up , BUT THIS STEP WILL NOT WORK IF YOU ARE PRETENDING. YOU MUST ALREADY HAVE THE CORE BELIEF THAT THIS IS TRULY A NON ISSUE OR IT WILL NOT WORK. Body language and voice will give away your ambivalence f you are saying with words" it's no big deal" while your posture, eye movements etc, are saying the opposite .

Thea
www.baldgirlsdolunch.org
A man who walks the walk in terms of saying he doesn't mind and actually ACTING as if he doesn't are two different things. A man who REALLY doesn't mind won't be uncomfortable touching your head if you ask him to massage it (i.e., my scalp gets really inflamed sometimes and rubbing it relieves the inflammation), won't make excuses for not wanting to be seen in public with you should you choose to be bare-headed, and won't shy away from being in the company of other alopecians. It is not in my nature to compromise, especially when it comes my alopecia and my comfort zone -- however, I did a lot of compromising in the past and have made 2010 the year where I say NO MORE to compromising. I don't have to compromise about the color of my skin or apologize for being born a female, so why should I compromise simply because I have no hair???
I will say that many times what has drawn me to any woman is the fact that she is who she is. I do not look for a size 3 model or a girl that has to wear designer clothes. The first thing that I tend to be drawn to is a a girl who shows that she takes care of herself. I do find women with alopecia to be much more beautiful as they are stronger mentally than many of the other women. Most have to go through something in there life to make them stronger. I have only dated one girl with alopecia and not once did I focus on the medical aspect. I supported her in being who she was on the inside and worked to have her open herself out to others.

I will say that for any man that is wanting to have a relationship that relationships are build on honesty and respect. A person no matter who they are deserves respect and anyone should be willing to be honest.

I do miss the relationship that I had with the girl and will say that if most or all the girls were as stron as her that I would love to meet and date another woman.
OK, if a man who does not have Alopecia can say a few words on this subject.

Over my years I have met a few women whom I expected had some form of hair lose because their wig were overly showing, either too big or small for their head, the hair did not move in the wind as real hair does, they paid too much attention to it, they were afraid to move their head .....

Well, if a man (real man as said here) is interested in you it will not because of your hair nor any other particular body part, it will because he finds something special, large or small (and I do not mean body parts), about you. When he sees you, hears your voice, he will lose track of time and only see you. He will want to be with you, do things with you, and cry, laugh, with you, even feel your problems. He will see you for you not your hair or a particular body part but you.

For you ladies .....

Being upfront would be high on the list. So, you have Alopecia, the World has not come to an end, you did not die, and hair is not everything you have to offer (again not including body parts). Your mind, your heart, your feelings are more important than hair, and/or body parts.

This not only goes for a special man, but for everyone around you. If they can not except you, who you are, then they are not worth knowing nor being around unless you have to.

A woman without hair can be as fashionable as a woman with hair, it is how she acts, her grace and manners, even her make-up and dress.

If you show you are afraid to wonder around without a wig then you, not the man, are afraid to wonder around. You "hope" others will except you but you are afraid to except you for your self.

Be like Mary Taylor Moore in the beginning of "The Mary Taylor Moore Show", when she tosses her hat into the air. Toss your wig into the air and be your self. Enjoy life not what you do not have, in this case hair. Laugh, cry, run, walk, swim, hold someone, go shopping, eat out but be your self.

And,do not be afraid to tell some off if they, for some crazy reason, want to snicker ..... Just give them the "stare" your mom, and dad, gave you as a child when you did something wrong. That "stare" is a killer and has always been a killer, remember it!

I would rather have a lady who is open and up front, then one who hides things. First date, second date, third date, whatever date, just be your self and open and up front.

And,yes ..... He may want to touch your head, so what it will become something to talk about and have him wanting to know more about you.



JimB

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