Where acceptance is all there is
I've had a very difficult time health-wise for the past 2.5 years now. I dealt with severe eczema (going through topical steroid withdrawal) and alopecia areata, where I lost around 30% of my hair. It grew back for 6 months, then it started falling out in September. It's not as bad as the first time, but my two bald spots are getting bigger and it's getting harder to hide. I am filled with dread and anxiety. I've been isolating myself for the past 2.5 years and I had hoped I would be able to have a life again after it was all over. I can't socialize when I am losing hair so I have no friends and no relationships. It sounds so stupid, but I just cannot be myself around other people when I feel so incredibly self-conscious. My therapist is no help, and my dad recently lost his job so the coverage for that will run out soon. I've been very suicidal lately (sorry, I hope I'm allowed to discuss this here), I just don't see the point of living anymore if this is all I'll ever be. I'm especially afraid for the summer because I will be taking summer school and it will be too hot to wear a beanie. All I want is a normal life and I feel it's been robbed from me by something completely out of my control. I legitimately don't know what to do at this point. I feel terribly lonely and I don't ever see myself improving.
Please realise it is not worth ending your life for this. I know how you feel I have been there too. I began to lose my hair at 16 right in my teenage years I am now a 24 year old woman. Losing your hair is so very difficult I really understand. I had a very hard time with it in the first few years as well. I was miserable and a nervous wreck. I did not want to go out or socialise either but every now and then I kicked myself in the ass and made that step. You are not helping yourself by isolating yourself my dear. This is something we have to learn to live with it. It is chronic and realise we are going to struggle with hair loss throught our lives. I know it's hard to put things into perspective, but it truly could be worst. It's not fun and it's not an easy process but you can feel happy and pretty again, I promise. But you do have to make the conscious decision to no longer let this define you nor define your happiness. You are so worthy. When I really stop to think about it, I'm overwhelemed by the number of men I've met throughout the years that didn't stop themselves from getting to know me because of this. It's pretty amazing. And it really seemed impossible to me at first....
I was very very very very self-conscious for a long while, (and I'm still working on that!). But I look back over the past 7 years and I can truly say I've come such a long way since then. The first step I took was to learn to relax and let go because I would often get anxiety attacks and stuff, so I started to meditate (it helped me soooo much!!! I advise everyone to do it). The second step I took was to make the decision to not depend on having my hair back to be happy. To not let my hair loss control my mood and my joy. It's a habit I formed to no longer think about my hairloss first thing in the morning and last thing at night, or just 98% of the time. No more. I have a life going here! And i'm not going to put it on hold for this. And I remember the days when I would miss school all the time because of the shame and embarassment I felt and that I didn't work for about 8 months because I did not even have the confidence to go out and look for a job. Just stepping out of the house was a big deal for me trust me I know how you feel. You may not be able to change the fact that you lose your hair (mind you they are coming out with new treatments at such a fast pace that I think we will live to see the remedy to this), but you can control how you react to it. And that's what you must realise. Learn to let go of things you can't control, and change the things you can. Your attitude, your state of mind is something you can change. With that will come a brand new you. It's a process, my dear that's all. You can get through this, and you will. You deserve to be happy- realise this. Once you find your happiness you won't care so much about your baldspots lolll. STAY STRONG AND BE HAPPY BEAUTIFUL. If you need to talk reach out to me. Take care!
Perfectly put Michelle! I felt and still do at times the same way. My hair completely fell out when I was 15 years old (high school was fun) and didn't come back until 4 years later. Then it completely fell out again when I turned 30 and came back 2 years later. I am 39 years old now and my hair fell out a year ago again. It doesn't get easier each time it falls out but we have to realize that we are all special and beautiful. Learning to love myself has been a long process and I still struggle with it at times but I have a wonderful support group who loves me and helps me through these times. We are your friends and reach out to us with anything. You know we understand exactly how you feel sweets! Talking it out always helps so we are here for you! You are not alone! Keep your head up and remember that you are stronger than you think! <3
Thank you :) I wish I had people in real life I could talk to about this who I feel won't judge me or tell me I'm overreacting. I'm just glad there are people online who understand!
Wow thank you for writing that, that is very kind of you. I just wish I could control the panic I feel when I'm out in public and I feel my hair's shifted but I don't have access to a mirror. I start to feel light-headed and am paranoid that everyone's staring at me. I just want to be strong enough to not let hair loss affect how I see myself, but I don't even know where to start with that to be honest.
I know what you mean by the anger - I feel it for not having control over my own body. I had to wear a wig once before when I lost like a quarter of my hair during my first bout of alopecia. It was a cheap wig that I bought online, so it wasn't very well made. It was the most humiliating experience, and I swore to myself I'd never resort to wearing a wig like that again. I'm sure your wig looks much better than the one I used!