Alopecia World
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Dating problems, rejection insecurity, where I go again!
Hello, everyone, my name is Jorge am currently 31 years old Portuguese guy living in Melbourne Australia.
I have alopecia universalis since I can remember, the patches started when I was 8 years old and involved to AU when I was about 15 I guess. I don't remember myself with hair, to be honest. Its 3 am here in Melbourne 3 degrees Celsius outside and it's the first time in posting something here besides some photos a long time ago.
I would like to say that I never felt excluded and I always had an amazing group of friends that never let me down. Saying things like "you are one of a kind", "you look great its or trademark image", "you should be more confident with a woman they like you". You know the kind of things your true friends say but deep inside me, I know they were just being amazing and trying to give me some self-esteem boost. And I do thank them for that!
I always was a funny guy the one with confidence and the guy that makes everyone else laugh all the time. Now that I think about it, at the start it was the way that I found to break the ice and interact with everyone and make them laugh instead of focusing on my alopecia, they were too entertained to thing about hair!!!.
I though I was confident enough to don't care about AU, I even helped some people with AU giving them kind of motivational speech, cause at the time I was being successful in my professional life and imagine in my love life too! Can you imagine I had the most beautiful and hot girlfriend for 5 years, and she approached me (i never approach a girl first, to scare of rejection) crazy I know!! A beautiful girl how the hell that happened!
So basically all fall apart after she broke up with me 5 years later. And all of the daemons of AU come back to me, all the insecurity, fear and sadness, anger, asking why me... crying alone. Yeah, men do cry sometimes!
Basically, I was depressed 1 year at home, without even realizing that I was in some kind of depression! Me the one who makes everyone laugh, the guy that help the others all the time and the guy that says the life is a wonderful present! It couldn't be possible I should be the last person in the world to be depressed.
Anyway and don't want to write my memories yet so I'm gonna resume.
I know I had to change my life so I left country, family and my friends and came to Australia to start a new life.
And here Alopecia strikes again, and here it hurts the most, being rejected from the woman. I feel that here more than ever. When I go to one bar or a club and I'm dancing I just see how fast I'm rejected, I have the impression they look at me like an alien sometimes. Sorry to be so raw with the words.
Maybe I need to work on my self-esteem again, but for me having a girl was my way to say "In your face Alopecia". It's stupid but makes me feel good, makes me feel desired and accepted, normal in some away, starting with alopecia with 8 years is too much of a burden sometimes.
Sorry for the long and nonsense post maybe. It was a good opportunity to train my English anyway, my writing skills are not good yet. I'm much better in Portuguese!
I would like to know how you deal with this dating thing? Any suggestion?!! how do you approach opposite sex?
ps: The thing that upsets me more is not having eyebrows
pps: Thank yours for your time I felt better after throwing some words here.
Sincerely,
Jorge
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Permalink Reply by Tom on
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Hi Jorge. I've had AU for more than 40 years. I was always the funny guy in the crowd. But I know I do that to control the situation and guide them from changing the topic to me. Until I got to a place where I could accept myself for the way I am. It took many years of hell to get to that point. But don't give up. You are a good looking guy. There are amazing wonderful women out there who will love you for who you are. 40 years ago nobody had there head shaved completely bald. Now it's very common. I can't drive three blocks down the street or turn on the telivision without seeing another bald guy. The tattood eyebrows are an option that's your choice.your 31 years old and soon you will see a lot of guys shaving their heads because they start losing their hair. You will find an amazing woman who will love you. Maybe not in a bar. But you will find someone.
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Permalink Reply by NettyNurse on
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Hi Jorge!!!
I'm 31 as well and was diagnosed with AA at 4 that eventually turned into AT. When I read your story it brought back so many memories because your story is so similar to mine. Throughout my teenage years I found it so hard to cope with this condition, but I had all the support in the world, good family and friends. I didn't date anyone until I was 18, because I could never figure out how to break "the news" to them. I was a social butterfly, had a lot of friends, and I knew that if I met that special someone that gave me the opportunity to get to know me for me, they could look beyond the fact that I didn't have hair. I went through a bad break up myself, my high school sweetheart of 7 years and I split our ways, because we were on different paths in life. When we split, the only thing I could think to myself, was "how am I going to get someone else to accept me, after I've dedicated 7 years of my life to this person?" "Will it take another 7+ years for someone to get to know me and me to get to know them?"...all these crazy thoughts were going through my head. I took all the negativity and changed it into something positive.
I spent the next couple months taking care of ME. Making sure I was feeling good, taking good care of myself, eating right, staying positive, keeping active, etc. I made sure that I made the best out of every moment. I'd go party and just let loose and be myself. Before this, I'd always have my guard up, thinking about what everyone might be thinking of me. Learn to love yourself. I found that to be such a difficult thing, but once you figure it out, your whole world changes.
A few months after my break up, I went on date after date, and never found someone that was worth sharing "my secret" with. But not too long after, I met a great guy that didn't care about the hair I didn't have, but cared more about the the heart that I do have. I told him really early in our dating days about having alopecia, but didn't show myself bald, until one day he asked me to see my head, and when I did show him, he just smiled and kissed my head. When that special woman comes into your life, you will know right away, because they find ways to make you comfortable with yourself and love you for what you have inside. She will take away all your insecurities and remind you of all the great things you possess within you. :)
I'm glad I read your story and I hope my story helps you! Just remember you're not alone and there are a lot of people on this earth that understand what you're going through. <3
...I'd definitely check out micro blading for your eyebrows, I haven't gotten it done yet because I have my eyebrows tattooed and they're too dark to micro blade, but I soon as I can do it, I will! It really looks great and natural! Feel free to message me if you want to be pen pals, we can get each other through this! :)
It always feels great to vent and get our thoughts out to someone that truly understands!
Take Care and hope to hear from you soon!
Respectfully,
Shenette
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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You're an inspiration Shenette! I'm so glad you wrote your wonderful story to Photolic!! I think most of us with AU are doing great but since we are, we don't go on sites like AW as often as those who are struggling. You are very generous to have taken so much time and care with your response! I got married and lost all my hair 6 months later! My hubby has a great sense of humor and of course he loved me for ME, not my hair or we wouldn't have lasted 30 years!
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Permalink Reply by Photolic on
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Hey Shenette, first of all, thank you for sharing your story. I would like to say it was the first time I ever posted something in this forum and I'm amazed how kind and helpful this community is.
Again as I went trough your lines, confidence and not caring at all with others may think seems to be the golden formula. I'm happy that you found that amazing guy! I'm gonna focus on myself.My job, studies and hobbies and try to don't care much about the woman, to be honest.
And by the way, bars aren't the best place at all to find someone worthy, since people are searching for the looks all the time.
But again all of this AU insecure comes back when I'm more stressed or I get rejected. I never cared about it when I was with my ex-girlfriend because you actually have someone to hold your hand, and you walk on the street without caring or looking at the other people.
Even with all of my insecurities issues lately, I think I'm gonna stay like this. I assume the condition, in a way that I don't want any tattoos or crazy steroids or whatever. Also because I fear that in the end, I would look even more 'strange', like tattoo eyebrows but no eyelash and no facial hair, you know what I mean?
Again thank you for the sharing, and for that positive statement, I would love to keep in touch in the future.
Sincerely,
Jorge
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Permalink Reply by EmJay417 on
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Jorge - thank you for sharing this. Its not nonsense. Its a real struggle that I, myself, have had a hard time with as well. You were very brave to be that honest.
and i TOTALLY agree about the eyebrows thing. Its truly the one thing that makes us look odd to others. And its funny that you used the term "alien" because thats honestly how i feel when i don't have my eyebrows on.... Its weird looking in the mirror and not really being able to recognize yourself. Even after all this time (its been 2 years for me).
While i cannot say that my experience is the same as your own, or that any two of us on this site can say that they have shared in the exact same situation, I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are not weird, or odd, and its ok that you don't want to share your memories yet. You don't have to. But i would agree that working on ways to feel more comfortable with yourself is a good place to start. I find being comfortable a little easier than trying to be confident sometimes.
What i mean is that sometimes its easier to say "i am comfortable with the fact that i have AU. But maybe I'm not quite confident enough to go talk to those women yet." Give yourself time; baby steps! the confidence can come and go in waves, but feeling comfortable is a good start.
Peace,
MJ
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Thank you for the support all of this community here is a blessing full of good energies to share. And yeah confidence for me indeed it's like a wave that comes and go. I think this last one was more like a tsunami :D ! Anyway, im curious when you said: "when you have your eyebrows on". What are you using?
Cheers
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Thank to all of you for the kind words. You don't know but you did help me a lot. Everyday from now I will work on me. On my issues outside of alopecia, life is a one way ticket I have to do my best to enjoy the ride. Just want to say again this forum community is amazing. I uploaded a selfie here something extremely rare! Since I hate to photograph myself or when someone try to make a picture with me. So maybe this is the first baby step accepting my image. I know I still have my cap but baby steps! Best regards for all of you.
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WOW! Photolic! If I were single and younger! You are gorgeous! Full lips, great bone-structure, I mean seriously, you are sexy as hell! Just GO for it!
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The pleasure is ALL mine!!!! LOL!!
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Permalink Reply by epicfail on
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It is so sad how society has made ones looks such a priority. What about the success of a man? Achievements? Talents and Personality? We never asked to have Alopecia and what makes it so different from any other illness that we should be treated different? People should be uplifting and encouraging. I know how depressing it gets and it is important to surround ourselves with positive souls. Chin up! The right person will come along and accept us for when we are. PS don't settle for anything less! We maybe short of hair but we have big hearts and have so much to offer.
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