Does Alopecia Make You Sad or Does it Give You Strength?

Hi Guys! Shemika Here,

So a bit over a year ago is when I first saw my first alopecia client in person. I had been retailing [wigs] online for some time at this point, but this particular client lived in the same city as me and wanted me to come over and apply it in person. She had had alopecia for over 40 years and was also barren! At that point, seeing this woman and her strength as a person as she carried on her life as if nothing was stopping her made me really wonder about the many different effects it could have on different people. For some it could slow them down once they are diagnoses, especially if they are a teen or young adult, then for others it could make them become the activist type and strong and proud enough to show the world that nothing is going to stop them from living their life.

Seeing this woman carry on life like that made me wonder why I complain over some of the things I complain about in life. I mean she has a successful career, a nice home, car, and a long time live in boyfriend (who I assume is familiar with the condition) and the only thing I seemed to be there for was to put on her hair. Now I say it like that because to some people when I apply their wigs, its like I just gave them a heart transplant, but to her and some other clients, its just like I just simply put on some hair for them and when i'm done its a thank and goodbye, cause I got some where to be! lol...

So I say this because I am wondering, does alopecia make you sad for yourself or does it give you strength? Please share:)

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Orbit on March 11, 2008 at 9:15pm: Definitely gives me strength!

Many perceive hair loss as one of the most difficult non-life threatening conditions that there is. I suppose in the beginning I felt that way too.

Sometimes I wonder what type of person I would have grown up to be had I not experienced AA/AU at such a young age. Would I have turned out to be one of those insensitive bubble heads that I went to school with? Would I have become shallow and materialistic...? What values would be important to me had I not learned to look at things in a different light?

Having this hair loss in my life has proven to me that I am so much more than my hair (or lack of it)! I know that I can handle life's worst cards. I know that I can rise above it and over come :-D

~ I am happy, I am healthy I am whole and complete.

Permalink Reply by Shemika on March 12, 2008 at 1:37am: Wow, this is so powerful! Those are just such strong statements and I don't even know if you know what that means to me, and other people in general, with or without alopecia. Regardless of what we were thrown our way in life, its always thrown our way for a reason and if living life with a hair loss condition is the alternative to being a snobbish bully who puts other poeple down or lives in a vain type of world, then which would we really pick?

So that was a great point hun! kudos!!!

Permalink Reply by kastababy on March 11, 2008 at 10:18pm: I'm a walking contradiction of sorts. When I was growing up, I was very comfortable with my alopecia, and got to the point that I would voluntarily shave my hair because I liked the weightlessness and comfort of not having to do my hair every day. However, I have noticed that especially in the last 3 years that I range more from occasional bouts of self-pity to just being all out enraged about the fact that I am 30 years old and I am still dealing with alopecia. Every time I start a new job, or transfer departments, or the seasons change; whenever I have to deal with anyone in management about my hair loss and what I choose to cover my head with I get enraged, because it shouldn't matter what I cover my head with, as long as I am comfortable. I get rebellious, because I don't give a damn whether or not anyone is comfortable around me and my round head. But then at the same time, I get self-conscious, because I have lost boyfriends because of my alopecia, and as a result I have a very hard time opening up in relationships, because I can never tell if they want me for me or because they feel sorry for me.

I will say this though: Alopecia, while it has made me more vulnerable, has also strengthened me in so many other ways. My grandmother and my parents always pushed me to excel, and to also make myself more outgoing and smarter than everyone else, so that when you hear my name, the first thought you have is "the real friendly person" or "the real smart girl", not "the bald girl/woman I know".

Does anyone else feel conflicted like this???

Permalink Reply by Shemika on March 12, 2008 at 1:50am: I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that your employers give you a hard time about what you choose to put on your head each day! I mean really, is it that serious? I guess it could also depend on your job and the presentation you're putting out there to represent their company, but from simply reading your post it sounds a bit non-sympathetic and non-understanding to me.

I hope that your inner strength gets back to the point when you were growing up. It would be so sad if you spent the bulk of your life feeling bitter about something that you do not have the power to change. I know it must be a very difficult personal struggle, especially being a woman, but even though you don't have your hair, you still have a smile. Your smile is so prescious and can change lives and brighten days. Don't let it go to waste!

From the few days that I have been apart of AW I don't think that any of you have any clue how much you are helping me to change my life each and every day that I am able to come back and see your smiling faces. When I click on the members tab I don't see women without hair. I see beautiful women with infectious smiles who give me a reason to smile right along with them. You guys are such a blessing to many people reading and you just don't even know it. Something that we all have to remember is that there is always someone in our lives who is blessed by our smiles, so why waste time frowning about whatever it is that may be stressing us, especially things we can't change? Someone is in love with that smile of yours, so show it off and forget about those frowns!

Permalink Reply by kastababy on March 12, 2008 at 10:18am: For the record, I have received the most grief from my jobs working in a call center of all places -- someplace where I am heard but not seen on a constant basis. When I worked in the hotel industry, I actually got very little mention of it; and inadvertently became an attraction instead -- a state legislator that stayed on the property I worked at told me that he had never seen anyone with alopecia before, let alone a girl as pretty as I was, and seeing me everyday just being me had actually inspired him to push for legislation in TN to require insurance companies to cover the costs associated with wigs and MHPs. That little bit of encouragement has sustained me over the years and inspired me, because I DO know that by being myself, I am making a difference to someone, even if I don't always see it.

Reclaiming that lost strength is a daily stuggle for me. But there are some bright spots -- just today, two male coworkers stopped specifically to tell me how pretty I was, scarves or not (I'm not wearing one to work today, just me and my chrome dome!) I was told this upon walking in the door, out of the blue. That just made my day!!!

Permalink Reply by Shemika on March 12, 2008 at 5:52pm: Thats great to know, but i'm still baffled on how the other people treat you. This is like descrimination in the work place. They should not have nothing to say about what you wear on your head. Those guys who complimented you today are awesome. That is just so sweet. But I'm glad that you are seeing that you brighten peoples day:) You're awesome for providing such wonderful feedback:)

Permalink Reply by kastababy on March 12, 2008 at 9:04pm: You are absolutely right about how it amounts to discrimination in the workplace, so my answer to that is this: I always keep a signed letter (with the original signature) of my dermatologist in my purse, with the business card of my lawyer and my godmother (who works for the EEOC) attached to it. Whenever anyone has a question, I provide them with a copy of that letter and politely ask them to a) call my doctor, b) call the EEOC to let them know that they are participating in discriminatory practices, and c) call my lawyer, because when I'm done pointing out what laws they are violating by making the statements and asking the questions that they are, all they are going to have to do is sign a blank check. Because I'm a law school student and they know it, I usually get an apology and the discussion ends there. My standing up for myself because of my alopecia actually has helped the Muslim women that work with me to be allowed to wear their chadors and burqas to work as well -- I don't want preferential treatment, but I do want my job to be fair to everyone -- I just ask them, if I had cancer or some other catastrophic disease and my hair was gone due to chemotherapy, would they be making the same fuss?? That also usually shuts them up.

On a brighter note, the same guys who complimented me today are taking me to their barber shop to get my head shaved again!!! How awesome is that???

Permalink Reply by Brianne on March 12, 2008 at 1:52am: Hey! I am new to this but I felt compelled to answer!

I am VERY comfortable with my alopecia, BUT I do feel as if I should be able to live my life without all the rude remarks, degrading stares and people having such an issue with it. I would like to be able to go to Wal-Mart without having people do this. It does make me angry just because I just want to live my life. I would love for them to live a day in our shoes because it would bring them down. I do not feel like I need to feel sorry for myself or be down about it because life could be worse, but still. The comments and looks can sometimes really dig deep.

So I do feel torn between the two. But I do feel as if I am strengthened because I know most girls my age couldn't deal with it. And I also get told that people admire my courage to be able to deal with people when they are rude and to be able to walk around anywhere I go and feel comfortable just being me! So I am glad that I am lucky enough to educate people that looks are not everything and so that the next time they see someone that may not look "normal" in their eyes, you never know what they may be dealing with.

Permalink Reply by Shemika on March 12, 2008 at 2:16am: This is a great message and honestly I am guilty of this very same accusation. I'm not the type of person to come on here and say that I have never looked at someone a second too long who may have had alopecia. I know that I have in my lifetime, but this of course was before I educated myself on different hair loss conditions. You mentioning walmart was the mental trigger that made me recall seeing this woman once sitting on the bench on the way out. She was am employee and was just sitting there and I looked at her for a bit because at the time I just thought maybe she was elderly and had just lost her hair with age because she wasn't completely bald. I think my initial train of thought was a sort of in shock type of thing like I was caught off guard. Usually, you would hear of women who first see signs of hairloss, run to the local beauty supply store to slap on a wig and they wear it for years to come and no one ever knows about their condition, so to see this woman boldly sitting at the exit area in a busy walmart in Virginia Beach, I was sort of shocked because I had never seen it before. But as I became more and more educated about the condition and hair loss in general, and also getting to know people personally with alopecia, I became more self aware and made sure not to make anyone feel uncomfortable about ANY condition they may have, alopecia or not because to stare at someone for something they can't control nor change is not right at all. So thank you for sharing that and how you feel about that. People definately need to know that it isn't right to stare. I definately wouldn't want someone staring at me, it would creep me out! Geesh!

Permalink Reply by im to sexy for my hair(AKA Brian) on March 12, 2008 at 2:31am: well lets see last year was a ruff one for me i wont go in to details alot happend...but AA was a part of it and i remember thinking im loseing my hair and all this other crap keeps happening to me you got to be kidding right; how much more can i take.
well alot it seems cuz im still hear. maybe a little more synical a lot more optamistic. but it seems i never really had time to be sad about it even when my girlfriend broke up with me over it. i just had to keep on cuz i was in the middle of life kicking my ass and my familys.
iv allways had to be strong its seems like from a verry young age. so i dont think my AA has given me strenth or made me a stronger person. if any thing its made me view things and people difrently both good and bad.
iv never had to deal with stares or whispers beacuse im not a small guy and i look pretty mean with a bald head.
im not a verry defensive person when it comes to peoples ignorance twards me i have a real thick skin.
but god help anyone who decides to pick on some one for AA or any other disease or disability in front of me.
ok so got off topic. how do i word this.
i am who i am
beacuse of my salvation.
in terms of my strenth, and my heart.
i was strong before it, i will be during and after it
it will not define me. and i refuse to let it make me sad

Permalink Reply by Shemika on March 12, 2008 at 3:01am: That's right! It does not define you! And as for all of the things you were going through last year, doesn't it seem like when ever things get hard, they only get worse? I truly believe in God and I know that he has something in stored for you, so you keep on with your salvation and having strength from your heart.

On another note, I can't believe she broke up with you over your AA. What in the world! I mean I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say that there were some extreme supporting factors and you guys hadn't been together that long at that point, but if not, she must have some serious issues. If you are serious about someone, and something extreme happens to them you don't just run off and hide! You stick it out! My Gosh! You just better be happy that your leg didn't get cut off or else she'd left your butt high and dry and you'd be limping home!

You don't need someone like that. I won't say she wasn't good enough for you because we are all imperfect, but I will say that she wasn't strong enough for you. You definately need a strong compassionate woman by your side. She'll come around one day, hopefully soon:) Thanks for your feedback:)