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Permalink Reply by Sarah McIntosh on March 25, 2008 at 5:23pm

I agree its no excuse to lie but I do understand why the lie would be there.Again I really do believe she should have told the truth but as she didn't, I think he would have to decide if the degree of the lie is that big of an issue.I mean people lie all the time.Where do you draw the line of what is appropriate to lie about and what isn't.I don't know one person who hasn't told at least one lie for one reason or another.I find his actions a bit over-dramatic,and I can't help but think what if the situation wasn't about her hair and had it been about her lying about her eye color by wearing colored contacts if his reaction would have been the same?

Permalink Reply by Frank on March 25, 2008 at 7:29pm

Well, due to my having alopecia & a cleft lip to boot, and meeting people in the same boats, I've developed what I call "Wig-dar" & "Lip-dar", essentially spotting anyone with a wig (alopecia,chemo, for fun) or a fixed cleft lip. Shannon on here is the first time I've been wrong with my lip-dar,lol. Anyways, having a good eagle eye does majority of the time help break the ice. I'm a "smile/eye" guy myself, and a woman with AU,AT, or just sez screw it and shaves, is more beautiful to me, as it puts more focus on her eyes and smile. So, as a man, it doesn't bother me, as long as the woman is secure with herself. If she feels the need to wig it,ok. If she wants to go bare,ok. Don't cover up on account of my feelings. Here's how, as a whole, I see the entire situation:

1) AU/AT Gal, part wig, part bald- Keeps me on my toes, appearance wise.

2) AU/AT Gal, bald FT- More room for me to kiss her whenever :)

So, in short, whether the woman is bald 24/7, or plops a wig on 18/24/7, it doesn't matter to me. I'd just like to be like RJ and down the road find my beautiful bald queen.

Permalink Reply by YoKasta Martinez (aka kastababy) on March 25, 2008 at 8:08pm

Keep in mind that this case is happening in a part of the world where women are little more than property and treated as second-class citizens. In that part of the world, I'm frankly surprised that the professor is suing his wife outright and not suing her family for fraud and trying to get the marriage annulled.

Because it happened some years ago (notice that RJ doesn't give specifics -- were they not available, I wonder?), I wonder what the outcome of the case was and if the wife had to pay the damages myself. If so, I think that it sets a dangerous legal precedent, and being that we live in such a litigious society, I can just see some idiot trying to do the same thing over here and winning.

Permalink Reply by Frank on March 25, 2008 at 8:20pm

Well, on the flip side, there was a case that came to light in the past several months where a bride and her family found out the groom was actually bald, and proceeded to beat the hell outta him.

http://www.deccanherald.com/Content/Nov152007/national2007111535832...

Permalink Reply by YoKasta Martinez (aka kastababy) on March 25, 2008 at 10:04pm

Yeah, but the article doesn't say whether he is bald because he has alopecia or if he is bald because of run-of-the-mill male pattern baldness and his vanity is causing him to hide it.

Given the topic of the conversation, and just because I have NO PROBLEMS visualizing this one, it actually struck me as almost funny, because who would expect an ass-whooping over this???

Permalink Reply by Ashley on March 25, 2008 at 8:54pm

I think the simple reply to what this is asking is...if you have been hiding it, & suddenly get caught, the only thing to do, is to admit what you've done wrong, & sit down & talk about it with your loved one. If they really do love you, they will love you whether you have hair or not, they will understand your embarrassment for having hid it, & will understand that & forgive you.

I think it all stems on whether you really love the person or not. I question this woman's love for her man, since she wasn't upfront, or at least didn't later on in the relationship admit the truth.

When I had someone I loved, him knowing wasn't a question in my mind. It was a big part of me he had to know, & he would have to love me with it. He was the one person at the time I could show what hair i had to & feel completely comfortable & beautiful around. He of course went through it with me, it started falling out while we were dating, but i don't think all high school juniors would stick around through that. I always took off my wig when we were alone, & you know what? He still called me beautiful & i knew he meant it, because he looked at me the same way he did when i had my hair on. Also, he was my best friend then, & i talked to him about any & everything, & i think that's how a marriage should be, you should be completely comfortable with each other! I could talk to him about my feelings with alopecia since he was one of the few people who knew (when it was first happening) & so of course he would have to know about it. of course people change, & tend to disappoint you. He did. But he was quite a man when i was going through it, i have to give him that. & while I'm not in love with him anymore, i love him for what he did. He was there for me through it all falling out, & helped lift me up when i was feeling low. Isn't that what the person you're going to spend the rest of your life should do for you? Whats the point in being married to someone if you're not comfortable & forthcoming with each other? This story just isn't right. I don't see how they really loved each other. & the amount he's suing for is obsene. Deceited by a wig or not.

Permalink Reply by Frank on March 25, 2008 at 9:49pm

Since shallow was mentioned earlier, and it comes in all forms, just saw a story online about a Boca Raton, FL cheerleader, 18 none the less, who died after having breast augmentation surgery. What the hell? Who screwed up her self-esteem so bad that she felt she needed implants at 18 and not even out of high school yet? Criminey, I got teased by plenty of shallow people growing up, and I'm at the point where, if you don't like me for me, oh f-ing well, it's your loss. I'm me, and to paraphrase an often quoted movie line " I don' need no steenking fancy car, expensive clothes."

I'm not going to lose sleep over people being asshats, or trying to impress them, etc.

Cases like above in the Boca Raton gal are gonna skyrocket, I'm afraid, if we ever do get socialized medicine here in the states. Shallow people don't stop and think what damage they might do, it seems like. Sorry about being slightly OT, people.

Permalink Reply by YoKasta Martinez (aka kastababy) on March 25, 2008 at 10:15pm

In the end, what needs to be noted here is that this man's wife wasn't being vain when she didn't tell him about her baldness. It sounds like she genuinely fell in love with this guy, fucked up personality and all, and chose not to tell him partly to maintain the image he fell in love with, and partly because she didn't want to lose what she had. The driving motivation behind all of it can't be anything else but fear, and despite the words of encouragement that I have read in the replies to this discussion, who among us hasn't felt exactly what this woman must have felt to go to the lengths she did to hide it???

Unfortunately, I am not the optimist I used to be, so all the assurances I get about eventually finding someone who wants me for me I take with a grain of salt. At this point I've seen too much of the opposite to believe that anymore. The guy that calls himself my boyfriend is a great example -- he has said from day one that my alopecia does not bother him; however, his actions speak a lot louder than any words he could ever speak or write. I have to beg him to visit, go out on dates with, and spend time with me. At this point, I'm not waiting around for him anymore to get with the program, and he's proven my point I've been trying to make without me doing anything. THAT is what honesty has gotten me 100% of the time that I've been dating (across 5 states, no less!) Sorry, but at this point I can't blame the Egyptian girl one bit for doing what she did.

I'm not going to convince anyone that they need to be with my by anyone's stretch of the imagination, but at the same time since we alopecians compromise ourselves with everything else in our lives when it comes to our alopecia, why should this be any different??

Permalink Reply by Eric Bondy on March 26, 2008 at 9:37am

Obviously there was an extreme over-reaction on the part of the Professor, but there is also the issue of being lied to. It is such a riduculous contrivance to attempt to place a dollar value on hurt and his actions in the matter obviously counteract any sympathy a person could have for him, but seriously put yourself in his shoes for that moment. You're with someone that you think you know entirely, their life holds no secrets the ultimate of intimacies and you suddenly find out that what you thought was them, was not. Like if your husband or wife suddenly pulled off their mission-impossible-like energy mask and you find that the face you thought you knew was not the face at all.. not better looking or worse.. but different. It would be a shock, a betrayal.

Also, if you are keeping a secret from your partner how is it possible to be comfortable around them? if you aren't comfortable how can they know you? If they can't know you how can they love you?

Secrets put lie to the statement that is love.

Permalink Reply by im to sexy for my hair(AKA Brian) on March 25, 2008 at 10:35pm

However, I'm curious to know how an alopecian might convince their intimate partner or spouse not to abandon the relationship under such circumstances.

ok so i have a problum with that statement....my ex did leave me over my AU not that i hid it but only just got it last year.......the word convince in that statement sounds more like beg.
when she left me i did not try to "convince" her i basicly told her to hit the freaking bricks then and not in those words.

the case in that story of course is extream and i sapose he was decived in a way. but the man is obviously shallow and puts more stock in some ones hair than in the person themselves and i would never ever tell any one to try and convince or beg some one like that to stay

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on March 27, 2008 at 9:31pm

I don't think i would ever try to convience any one to stay with me. Even if was just becuase of my alopeica. If a man can not love me with or without hair who needs him. Yes this birde should have been honest, But how can a wig be a deal breaker. It is just hair. it is not like she had a secret idenity. There are some very shallow people out in the world that all they xcare baout is their looks and thire partners. ONce you have had alopeica for awhile or been with someone. You leanr to look past the vanity. You look at who a person is not how they look. Alopecia is a blessing in disguise ( i think i spelled that wrong) You can really find your true friends and loved ones. So if you have a convience or make some one stay with you, It isnt worth it. Plus would you want to be with someone that begged you to stay with them. I sure wouldn't.

Permalink Reply by gerald on March 29, 2008 at 4:44am

To the person who mentioned breast implants and socialized medicine, Socialized medicine in most countries does not cover cosmetic procedures such as breast implants.
It only covers breast implants in breast cancer patients.
If a person wants breast implants in most countries, they pay for it themselves, not with government health care.

America already has socialized medicine, we process the uninsured through emergency wards, and then the taxpayer and the hospital pay the bill.
It is the dumbest version of socialized medicine, it is healthier and less expensive to cover people upfront, which is one of the reasons that Americans spend more per-capita on health insurance than any other country, and we are 48th in health care stats.
And contrary to the myth, there are sometimes longer waiting lists in large American metro areas for medical procedures than there is in many of the other developed countries that have universal health care.
America's health care system needs reform.

As far as the young lady goes, she should have told her man that she was bald.
I knew my wife was beautifully bald, and her bald beauty is one of the reasons, amongst other reasons, that I married her.

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