Comment by Ella on November 20, 2009 at 11:13pm

Ho momoftwo, thank you so much! It was amazing, so may emotions, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, love, acceptance, I am working on mindfulness, trying to be in the moment, not living in the past or projecting the future, just being in the now and taking everything for what it is. I am not ready to go out without a head covering, but at least now I can brush my teeth w/o one lol. Maybe tonight I will sleep through, not waking every hour panicked that my scarf has fallen off. I saw my ears tonight, they have been covered for years...scarf or hat always over them. I felt my husbands breath when he kissed the side of my head...its been years.
Hope you have a wonderful night
Ella

Comment by Ella on November 20, 2009 at 11:15pm

I'm sorry momof two...that was meant to read 'Hi'

Comment by Cal on November 21, 2009 at 4:25am

Good on you, Ella. A maelstrom right enough, but wow, how brave of you. Five years? Crumbs.

Comment by JeffreySF on November 21, 2009 at 12:00pm

Hi Ella,
I'm so happy for you.
I hope tonight and every Tonight are wonderful nights for you.

Jeffrey

Comment by Mary on November 21, 2009 at 6:36pm

Congratulations, Ella! You're still you. Mary

Comment by Rose Marie' on November 22, 2009 at 2:37am

How wonderful that your choice became such a positive experiemce. Yes, you are you, a beautiful lady that is obviously well loved.

Congrats on your decision.

Rosy

Comment by Ella on November 22, 2009 at 8:23am

momoftwo, Cal, Jeffrey, Mary, Rosy, Catherine, thank you all sooo much!

5 years is a crazy long time to hide from oneself, it was so exhausting. While I have a long way to go and have alot of walls built high and am so wired now to react with fear and anxiety, I am working on being in the moment, living in the moment without judgement, it was amazing to let my husband love me, to let me love me.

Jeffrey, I love how you put that and it really clicked, I have a choice, every night can be Tonight, how amazing is that? :) It is just a shame that my first Tonight was not 5 years ago, yet it is a blessing that it was not 5 years from now. The song has been stuck in my head ( I was Maria in my highschools WSS) I need to get to 'I feel pretty' ....that will be nice:)

momoftwo, lol, I hadn't thought of that :) I actually have 2 mastiffs, the little guy, well not really so little as he is over 100 pounds at 5 1/2 months, in my pictures is an English mastiff also, his name is Krueger, he is brindle in coloring where as Grimm is apricot.

Catherine, thank you for the hug, I could feel it!! ((((Catherine))))) to you!!

Comment by Christine Peard on November 22, 2009 at 4:35pm

Hi Ella
That is so lovely, well done.
Chris

Comment by JeffreySF on November 22, 2009 at 11:00pm

Hi Ella,

How are you "Tonight"
Sometimes it takes awhile to discover that you are still you after your Identity is taken from you. I'm glad you have found yourself again!

Jeffrey

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