I've always hated my head.

It is a giant pumpkin head.  Hats don't fit.  My football helmet had to be specially ordered.  I learned how to sense when topics were getting close to something about heads or head size and developed the coping mechanism of how to make jokes about myself quickly before anyone else could.

In 1988 I started cutting my own hair - learning styles that seemed melon-head friendly.  Ultimately tight sides and a flat or spikey top proved best suited for the task.

I experimented with facial hair a good bit, but about 5 years ago settled into a fountain-like soul patch that suited me well - I loved it, and it worked with the spikey hair.

About a year ago, A-A first appeared on my face and slowly spots grew towards my patch.  I shrunk it, and dyed it, and my derm gave me hundreds of steroid shots, but we couldn't win and I gave up and shaved (resignation - part one).  I then explored permanent removal of all facial hair - even did a test spot under my chin (OUCH!) and ultimately decided A-A was going to completely decimate my beard anyway, so I let it go.

Then, last fall I grew my hair out a bit for a part in a play (Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice).  It was fun to have a little hair again, and I didn't want to give up my stage identity, so I kept it around through the holidays after our eight show run concluded in early December.

My kids, my tennis team, my wife, and my nieces all asked when the spikeys were coming back - - I was on the fence, but I finally decided to prepare for the cut.  I started moving the locks around before cutting and was stunned by seeing a quarter size chunk of scalp.  Then another just back from the first, only bigger.  I grabbed a mirror and started looking around - - - I found a tennis ball size spot on the top back of my head, along with 2 others.  WTF!!!!!  How did this happen so quickly.  How did no one notice and say something.  WTF!!!!!  I've been in to see two different derms and have tons of creams and am diligently applying 2x/day in the prescribed rotation.  But more spots are coming - and the existing ones are growing - and hair is coming off everywhere.

I am now resigned that I will be bald soon.  I will take matters into my own hands before long and shave it all off (resignation part deux).  Good news is that I probably stand a better chance of being cast as the lead character if I audition for You're a Good Man Charlie Brown.

It's just that I've always hated my head.  And now I have to deal with it in an incredibly intimate way.  I don't have a nice small, oval peanut head like so many strikingly handsome bald guys have.  Mine is misshapen with bony outgrowths and just plain gigantic.  Happily I can wear hats to work most days (General Counsel for software company) - and I have been doing so for several weeks now even though I can cover up about 90% of them right now with careful spray, gel and blow dryer work.

Maybe if I didn't have my head issues, it wouldn't bother me so much.  A good friend of mine is battling cancer with a better attitude than I have about this - - - how shitty and selfish of me is that!?

Happy to have found this forum and now to have written my first ever blog post.  I guess I wrote happy twice in this, so that is something.

Views: 104

Comment by Aimee on January 28, 2014 at 6:39pm

I'm glad you found Alopecia World! It's a great site! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.  I have the opposite problem, in that my head is too small.  The selection of petite wigs is so limited.

For what it's worth, your head looks just fine in your profile picture!

Comment by Pat on January 28, 2014 at 9:35pm

Hi Schocker, like Aimee I have a pin-head which I also hate...even hats swamp me...but at least I can cover with a wig. I knew someone who lost hair because of cancer and she found it more difficult to deal with than the cancer which made me feel so much better about how I coped/didn't cope with my aa. Losing hair is I believe a major event to deal with so some grieving is in order. Dont give yourself a hard time about it, depending on whether your hair regrows or not you will learn to live with this emotional roller-coaster of a condition the best you can, as we all have had to do. Some days are yuck, others not so much, and others are great. Btw, congrats on your acting part and I hope you gave Mr Collins everything you've got :-)

Comment by Schocker on January 29, 2014 at 10:26am

Aimee and Pat - - - thank you both so much for taking the time to write me, welcome me and support me.  It means a lot.  This is a very lonely and scary time.

Comment by Pat on January 31, 2014 at 12:21am

I agree about it being lonely and scary....however connecting with others here and other support groups was a life-saver for me. Without the internet we'd probably never meet any other alopecians.

Comment by michelle on February 1, 2014 at 12:00am

Hi Schocker...welcome,  I do appreciate the experience you are having with AA.  First off, no need to minimize your feelings.  AA (or in my case AU) is a crappy disease. I think its pretty common to  look for the silver lining..especially around those that have serious health issues. And then of course we feel worse...so that doesn't work!   Never apologize for your feelings! The psychological impact of AA is significant.   

Its so interesting how critical we are of our looks.  I do believe some of this is perfectly normal.  For you it is your head and for me its my nose...I never take side view pictures ;-)    In fact I've been told that I have a wonderfully shaped head...for a bald woman.  At the end of the day I'd give anything to have my long dark wavy mane of hair return.  So what do I do?  I live each day, one day at a time.  For the most my days are fine...every once in a while, especially if I find an old pic of me...I have my sad moments...and I allow them.

And Aimee is right.  You have a fine shaped head ;)


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