I've been through some stuff.. Its like I cant have real friends..

I was trying to understand what I was doing, and why. My hair's growing back, and I want to grow it long. I havent had a haircut in months.. but that was also because of alopecia.. And I'm thinking about why I really want to grow my hair long, and one of the reasons is defiance.. I have a lot of defiance in me, and in this case its to prove that life and its circumstances cannot control me. Another reason is that I just want to feel normal sometimes, and maybe it will heal some of my wounded self esteem..

However, there are always two sides to the story. When people compliment me on how nice my hair looks and I would be thinking that they have no idea what I've been through with my hair, and that all they are seeing is some physical attractiveness in me and not whats inside me. Resentment. And what if people envy me, and the whole stupid jealous people who dont know what I have and have been through with hairloss, all they see is this hair and think that my life must be perfect.

I've had many people giving extra attention to my hair before and it always bugged me. I dont like when people wish for what others have and then try to destroy that.

I'm not cutting my hair..