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A topic that has no easy title
Well, I decided since I've opened up so much already, why not go all the way?
Blogging isn't about sharing my experiences, I don't think, I think it's about freeing myself from myself. To show anyone who cares to look my dirty laundry and not be ashamed of it.
So, I was raped once. When I was almost 18 by three guys who I used to be very close to, had known them since elementary school. Dad assaulted one of them, he got in trouble for that. It comes to mind once in a while how I fucked up in life, haunts you when lying in bed after a nice long day. When your not expecting it, BOOM, you get a lovely little thought to think of before bed.
Sometimes, I get so upset I just want to curl up in a small corner and scream. Just cry and scream until I can't any longer. Tear out my hair and flesh. Just be nothing.
But, then again life is so beautiful. That beautiful summer day, tanning outside. Basking in sunlight. Nothing like that. Too bad it can't be summer all year 'round.
Anyways, I just wanted to write that. Never talked about that, fully, to anyone. I don't think I ever will. I just want to show myself it's okay to be down, it's okay to be sad, it's gotta rain before it shines. Sometimes, you just gotta take a day, calm down, relax. Free yourself from the bad thoughts, free yourself from all thoughts. Just exist. Insignificantly significant.
Blogging isn't about sharing my experiences, I don't think, I think it's about freeing myself from myself. To show anyone who cares to look my dirty laundry and not be ashamed of it.
So, I was raped once. When I was almost 18 by three guys who I used to be very close to, had known them since elementary school. Dad assaulted one of them, he got in trouble for that. It comes to mind once in a while how I fucked up in life, haunts you when lying in bed after a nice long day. When your not expecting it, BOOM, you get a lovely little thought to think of before bed.
Sometimes, I get so upset I just want to curl up in a small corner and scream. Just cry and scream until I can't any longer. Tear out my hair and flesh. Just be nothing.
But, then again life is so beautiful. That beautiful summer day, tanning outside. Basking in sunlight. Nothing like that. Too bad it can't be summer all year 'round.
Anyways, I just wanted to write that. Never talked about that, fully, to anyone. I don't think I ever will. I just want to show myself it's okay to be down, it's okay to be sad, it's gotta rain before it shines. Sometimes, you just gotta take a day, calm down, relax. Free yourself from the bad thoughts, free yourself from all thoughts. Just exist. Insignificantly significant.
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Comment by ajif on January 26, 2010 at 11:39am -
dare to do wot u r up to...ths may b
as daniel says u bcme a kind of hero..
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Comment by Tyler on January 28, 2010 at 12:45am -
All you have to do to keep going is think that there are people that have it worse then u and if they can live with it u can
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Comment by Pat on January 28, 2010 at 3:35am -
Kat, the absolute horror of your rape and the consequences of that on your dad and the ongoing trauma on yourself is tragic. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. One in 6 women/girls will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime and 10% of rape victims are men. I was raped myself when I was 17 by someone I knew and trusted. In my group of friends, I am personally aware that at least 5 of them are survivors of rape, some of gang rape such as you experienced. None of these men have been brought to justice. I only told of my own experience to a counsellor when I was well into my 30s and I wish I'd dealt with it sooner. My parents still don't know. The shame I felt for many years has now gone at last. I was not to blame. You were not to blame. The shame is theirs only. If you ever feel the need to 'talk' I am only an email away.
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Comment by Katrina Dubasov on February 1, 2010 at 4:16am -
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree that it can be a part of the female experience. I just gotta be strong for what's happened to me. Live and let be.
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Comment by Pat on February 1, 2010 at 7:36am
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You have already shown your strength...you are not the one who fucked up...you are not responsible for what those guys did, they acted like animals and thought nothing of hurting you and taking from you what you didn't want to give. Shame on them.
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Comment by Katrina Dubasov on February 1, 2010 at 4:26pm
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That's very true. I still feel like there's some part of everything that is my fault, but I assume that's to do with having that sort of thing happen.
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Comment by Pat on February 1, 2010 at 11:57pm
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Yes victims always blame themselves...even other people often blame the victim as in 'why was she with them/why did she get in the car/she'd been drinking/why was she out that time of night'' etc...but the victim is never to blame no matter what the circumstances were. It takes talking to a counsellor to really start to believe it as our default is to blame ourselves and that can last a lifetime. Trusting someone you knew was your only 'fault'. Trusting someone I knew was my only 'fault', and that's nothing to blame ourselves for, absolutely nothing.
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