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Permalink Reply by Carol on January 10, 2010 at 12:04am

First off, everyone has their own timeline of acceptance and coping. In fact, it took me about 20 years before I learned to deal with it! I've had this for 32 years now and for me it took a wonderful online alopecia community, first started as msn and yahoo groups and some wonderful alopecians with wonderfully positive attitudes (Cheryl the founder of alopecia world being one of them) to get me on the right track. Not to discourage anyone from treatments, I do find that once you let that desperate search for your hair to return go then there is more room to accept yourself for who you are. You can be happy again and you will surely feel okay again, even great! There are various methods of learning to accept this unwanted fate but you need to chose what works best for you. Some shave their heads, some have ceremonies of sorts, some go to support group meetings etc. It's ok to mourn what you have lost but it helps to see this as a new chapter in your life as being reborn or having an intellectual growth spurt. For myself, having alopecia has made me more aware and empathetic towards life in general let alone other people and I'm glad it has made me who I am today. As for the question of what I did to feel better, I ditched my wig. It was hard at first until I realized people didn't seem to mind as much as I did. Most of our problems are in our own heads!

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Permalink Reply by Andrea on January 10, 2010 at 9:48am

Thanks, Carol, I appreciate you sharing your experiences, that gives me some hope. It might take awhile, but maybe I can use this to force myself to be more self confident.

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 10, 2010 at 11:48am

Hi Andrea.
I agree with Carol. Everyone does have their own way to cope. I was diagnosed with AA at age 12 and it was difficult for me to see it fall out, grow back and fall out again. Finally 9 years ago I lost it all - it was something I feared most, but you know what? It was actually much easier to deal with than the repeated cycle of falling out and growing back.

Acceptance didn't happen overnight. It's taken me a while to feel like me in my own skin..and I've been dealing with this for 22 years now! You just need to get to a point in your life where you can just accept yourself for who you are...fat, thin, freckled, too tall, too small, too hairy or too bald. You'll get there: start accepting yourself just as you are and happiness flows from there. :)

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Permalink Reply by Andrea on January 10, 2010 at 2:28pm

Thanks Melissa! It's so nice to hear it from people who have actually gone through it themselves.

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Permalink Reply by Aimee on January 10, 2010 at 2:55pm

I feel like I'm already in the "acceptance" phase, as much as I can be! I was diagnosed with AA in September 2008, and then I went AU in September 2009, so I've been AU for 4 months now. I've gotten used to my tattooed eyebrows and putting wigs on to go out. In fact, I receive a lot more attention because of my wigs and eyebrows. Strangers are always complimenting me (because my hair and eyebrows are always perfect ;)

It helps a lot that I have a very supportive husband and children. I think it must be harder to go through this as a child or teen.

I do still look around me at people in general and people in the movies and think, "They have hair....they have hair...everybody has hair except me!" but then I get over it.

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Permalink Reply by rez namra on January 10, 2010 at 5:19pm

I totally agree to your second point, my mother had alopecia, she got it in her early 40s, i still loved her to the max, infact i loved her more than anybody in entire world. However, i'm single and don't have a family, i think it hit me a little bit earlier :(

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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on January 10, 2010 at 2:59pm

One of the key strategies is to get in control of every aspect of your life and feel you are in the driver's seat on everything. Even the smallest "success" raises your self confidence and you'll find yourself wanting to achieve more of them. It's baby steps and an evolution. None of it is hard. Just make successes happen and they will multiply. It could be meeting another woman with AA, or learning how to make beautiful brows, or knowing the best colors to wear near your face.

The only real acceptance is from the inside. Yet, doing things to our external helps repair our insides faster.

Sometimes you have to go just a little outside your comfort zone but if you are willing to do whatever it takes for personal happiness, you soon realize the benefit far outweighs any momentary anxiety.

I don't know if this is part of your particular self-talk, but if any part of your thinking is expecting other people to accept you and your alopecia first, it doesn't work that way. When I hear people say "If only others......" it means they have yet to look straight on in their own mirror and truly believe," I'm a wonderful person. Period."

"Don't put the key to happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own." - Unknown


Thea
www.BaldGirlsDoLunch.org

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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on January 10, 2010 at 4:47pm

Another part of this is having a zero tolerance for sadness after the phase of grieving for our changed self image has passed. Many women ( and men) hold a strong core value that they deserve to be happy every single day. That belief drives them to do whatever it takes to have control over their happiness and fate. Finding the best possible cosmetic solutions (whatever they are for our personal needs) is vitally important to feeling whole.

I can say without any reservations that two of the most critical turning points for me personally were meeting other women just like myself and making the decision to do everything I could to like how I looked and how I felt despite seeing a totally new person looking back in the mirror. We must have determination that feeling great really matters and we deserve nothing less. No one is going to do this for us.

We can acknowledge the deepest feelings and let tears flow " I feel alone. I feel like I've lost my old self" and this is normal. I said it to myself. And after I did, as if magically I began to move forward quickly to redefining my self-image.

We can reinvent ourselves and become even better versions of ourselves.

Thea
www.BaldGirlsDoLunch.org

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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on January 12, 2010 at 11:23pm

I came across Katie Piper's interview today. I like her comments about goals and just moving forward. And you can just feel her absolute determination.

Katie Piper interview

Thea
www.baldgirlsdolunch.org

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Permalink Reply by Heather Bloom on January 10, 2010 at 3:48pm

Hi Andrea,
I'm in the same boat as you are, having a tough time accepting. I would also like to know what makes people wake up and say to themselves, "I've accepted the fact that I'm losing my hair and that's okay." I've been going through this for about ten years, and I wonder when it's suppose to get easier. I'm definitely on a rollercoaster, one minute I'm fine and the next I'm crying. I wish I had the answer, too.

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Permalink Reply by Andrea on January 11, 2010 at 9:01am

Thank you all so much for your honest responses. It is so nice to get answers from people who have went through this themselves; it gives me so much hope. For so long, I have felt so alone in this, so it helps just to know others are going through it as well. You are all so brave, and if you can do it, so can I. I feel like this community is really going to help change my attitude.

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Permalink Reply by Erica on January 11, 2010 at 6:30pm

Hi Andrea,

I guess what I have to say is much the same as the other posters. Sometimes everything feels good and sometimes it all gets on top of me but I've realised that the alopecia is only a small part of the whole. When things are going good in my life, I accept and am happy(ish) with my hairloss or rather I just forget about it. When things are going bad in my life, my hairloss can become all consuming and it's often what tips me to tears. My advice is to concentrate on all the other things that make you happy and being comfortable with your alopecia will follow. Easy to say, difficult to practice.

x

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