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Stinging words
My boyfriend, who does not know about my alopecia, came to my house today and saw a wide-brimmed hat on my bed. He tried the hat on and then I took it and put it on my head, over my wig. He paused for a moment and then said "nah...take that off. You remind me of a girl from home." and I asked "Is that bad?" to which he replied "No, but she didn't have any hair. I know that's a mean thing to say...but..." and he took the hat off of my head as his sentence trailed off and placed it on my desk. It really struck a cord with me as I've been contemplating telling him for a few weeks and have been waiting for the right time. Ironically, I also had a dream last night that he was sitting with my two young nephews and I. One of them (in the dream) said "baldie!" and pointed to me. He kept repeating it and my boyfriend finally asked me what he meant by it. I woke up before I answered.
As he made those statements at my house today I was very emotional but tried to hide it. He left and it seemed as though he thought everything was fine. I know that this is probably the best opportunity to tell him about my story and how his words, though not meant for me, still hurt. I'm not sure what the outcome of the conversation will be or even how to open the conversation in a way that won't "attack" him. Regardless, I want the issue to foster a conversation on mindfulness.
Any thoughts on how to approach this?
As he made those statements at my house today I was very emotional but tried to hide it. He left and it seemed as though he thought everything was fine. I know that this is probably the best opportunity to tell him about my story and how his words, though not meant for me, still hurt. I'm not sure what the outcome of the conversation will be or even how to open the conversation in a way that won't "attack" him. Regardless, I want the issue to foster a conversation on mindfulness.
Any thoughts on how to approach this?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Meryl on -
I am a mother of a 7 year old with alopecia. She does not wear a wig. I just feel like if everyone with alopecia would stop wearing wigs then there would be a lot more bald people out there! There are millions of bald women. You may think this is easy for me to say, but seeing my daughter in the world making friends and coping with the ups and d0wns makes me proud and hopeful that she will be this way as an adult too.
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Permalink Reply by Nancy King on -
(standing ovation) Yaaaaaaay MiNAH!!!!!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Clayton on -
This is great news! You must feel like an elephant has been lifted from your chest and you can finally breathe again. I'm very happy for you....
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Permalink Reply by Whitney on -
Just wanted to update everyone. My boyfriend has been very weird this week. He came over tonight and told me that he didn't see this going anywhere long term. He said after he saw me cry on Sunday he thought that I was getting attached and he wasn't. He then said that he thought more about what I said about the Alopecia and the more he thought about it the more he realized it was something he wasn't sure that he'd be okay with. I told him that I respected his opinion and that everyone had their preferences. I pointed out that the largest reason he was leaving was because of the Alopecia and he agreed. I told him how Alopecia was something that changed my life and made me a better person. I mentioned how everyone would have something happen to them someday that changes their perspective on the world and how I hoped that when that day came for him that he had someone who was willing to stand beside him. I told him that someone out there would regard this experience and myself as value instead of negativity. He said "Personality-wise you're perfect for me." He asked to hug me and as he did he said "Are you going to be okay?" I told him I thought it was time that he should go and walked to the front door and held it open.
An interesting experience for me. I've never had a man leave me for Alopecia. I know my self worth and I'm proud to say that he got no tears during that conversation. I will say that it's going to be much more difficult to get back into the saddle now.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on -
But doll, you did good. Very smooth. Someday, he may come back when he realizes what happened, but for now, he will be telling the story of Brave and Poised you. Holding the door for him was perfect: you kept your cool.
I think young guys must tell their friends about the alopecia, and get convinced that they should move on to find haired arm-candy out of the women available. The man who would defend his alopecian gal in front of other men...and other women...is the true man.
Yes, it IS difficult to get back in the saddle again. Don't let that distrust build, or you may miss out on someone special.
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on -
Whitney,
I'm so sorry that things ended the way they did. Take as much time as you need getting back into the saddle. I've been there, so I know how it feels. The right person will come eventually, and when he does, he will come at just the right time too. Until then, continue being the bold, beautiful woman I know you to be!
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Permalink Reply by Katie B on -
What a shallow man - bleuch - best rid I say!
Ive had experiences where men get a bit wobbly after theyve had a mega open up about personal things they dont usually tell people (I must have a good ear - people seem to tell me pesonal things I havent yet asked them about!) - but again thats their problem - you cant do anything about that either - we would just like some men with strong back bones in our lives - not too much to ask is it ;)
Im glad this was dealt with sooner rather than later - it would only have weighed like a brick on you otherwise for the whole time.
Just think of this as a learning experience for you - you have told someone once - that means you can do it again - and you can do it sooner before emotions or physical closeness.
Take care - but remember - whilst in one way this is sad - but it is also very positive. You arent wasting time with someone you wouldnt want to be with.
xx
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Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on -
Whitney, I am so sorry things turned out this way, but so glad to see that you are handling this so well. Who knows--if he's smart, he's gonna realize what a good thing he's missing and he'll be back at your front door, but then if he doesn't, he's not good enough for you. There is someone out there who will totally accept you for who are are and that is what true love is all about. Wishing you the very best and please keep us posted.
Sandy
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