Hello,

I saw a recent post here that was very similar by a man about how to best support his girlfriend whom he loved very much who is suffering from alopecia. Lucky for this man, it would seem his love and attraction to his girlfriend were not in question, and to that I say he is lucky and a good man. I too am in a similar situation, but perhaps my situation is not as clear cut because of things that I would call my own weaknesses.

My girlfriend, whom after 9 months I have come to love dearly, suffers from alopecia. She has had some very rough times in her life ever since she was a kid: she has lost many loved ones in shockingly, untimely ways, was able to overcome a terrible substance abuse issue (she's 7 years sober now, thankfully) and is also a breast cancer survivor, yet her positivity and strength is something that shines through her character. She practices "radical acceptance" and for someone like me who cal let things get me down, she can be an inspiration. Still, the impending reality of her steady hair loss is something that is devastating to her, and one can hardly blame her: she has been through so much in her life- and now this too? It's as if the universe is preventing her in every way possible from being able to feel "normal" about herself. I too think it's terribly unfair, but at the same time we have to count our blessings, even when they seems speckled amongst things that feel like curses.

When we first met, I attributed her thinning hair to the fact that she had gone through chemotherapy less than a year prior and that it was something that would "improve" but in time she shared with me the hard truth that this was something that was not going to get better- quite the opposite. At the time- I wasn't sure what to think. We had only been together for 3 or 4 months and my first reaction was fear and grave disappointment. I was even thinking that this was too much for me to handle and that I should look for the exit before it was too late, but I couldn't because of my feelings for her and that it would make me feel lower than low for that to be the reason for us breaking up when otherwise we fit so well. The superficial part of me then began to obsess about what she was going to look like was she started to lose all of her hair and what the heck I was going to do to support her when I myself wasn't sure what to do with my own feelings about it. It of course had a big impact my attraction to her which made me feel terrible and I can only imagine that she picked up on. I knew that I loved her and was wanted to be as supportive and always available, but I felt a little disingenuous because I clearly wasn't okay with it myself, at least not yet. What felt even more pathetic was that I as worrying what people would think of me because my girlfriend was losing her hair- of all of the things to thing about! It made me feel pretty low and I began to worry that I was incapable of being able to support and love her.

Over time, however, things started to change. After some point I stopped obsessing about it and tried to be okay with the reality of the situation, even though part of me felt that somehow this could be "fixed". Maybe that's still in my mind but somewhere, but the reality is that no, there isn't going to be a miracle cure. I talked to friends about it who I could trust to be discrete and compassionate and was surprised to find that they were if anything supportive of trying to make it work because they knew she made me happy. I know that I may still face the judgement of people who can't help themselves from seeing people as their physical identity and nothing else, not to mention those who objectify women across the board, but I realize I shouldn't spend two seconds thinking about those people. Still, I know what is coming. I still am there when she takes a shower and is a complete wreck when she sees the amount of hair is in the drain. I just want to hold her and tell her that it's going to be okay and that I am right here and will be. The thing is, I really want that to be the truth. I don't want there to be doubts in my mind. I don't want to succumb to some of the other stories I read about here where women report their husbands are no longer attracted to them because of the alopecia. For one, I don't want to lack that compassion, and second, I don't want to have those feelings of disdain or that I too am carrying some yoke that comes out in other passive aggressive ways. I want to be above it and just love her for her- hair or no hair or whatever comes of all of this.

While I feel like I am borrowing time now as she can still "pull it off" with the little hair she has left, the time will come when she is just going to have to start wearing a wig. I want- no, I NEED to be okay with this. I don't want to be saying one thing but feeling another. She deserves support, love and compassion, yes- but she also deserves honesty, but I don't think that includes me slogging on my petty problems regarding her ordeal onto her. That just seems selfish and completely out of scope with her burdens. However, the reality is that I need to get over it if we are to stay happy together. I can't be half in.

While I have shared a lot here, I guess I am not even really sure what I am asking for here. I guess I'd like to hear from other men who have gone through a similar situation and if and how they dealt with these sorts of feelings that could have affected their attraction towards the woman they loved or created some other complications in their dynamic. Even better, I would love to hear how others were able to conquer those feelings and put them aside for what really matters- having a loving relationship through the thick and thin- not letting something like alopecia or any other physical malady get in the way of that. I want to be the best I can for her and stop thinking about myself in this regard, and for this, I feel like I need help!

Thanks!