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Must your love interest 'see' your alopecia?
My alopecic and adorable wife doesn't wear wigs or any other head covering. Nevertheless, sometimes I wonder how I might have reacted if she hadn't allowed me to actually see her alopecia until months after I started dating her. What if she had concealed her alopecia only to reveal it to me after we fell in love -- or simply after I became accustomed to seeing her with a wig on?
Would it have made a difference? I really don't think so, but this I know for sure: It's one thing to know that someone has alopecia and quite another to know what they actually look like with the condition.
Given the importance of looks in the context of most amorous relationships, how important might it be for an alopecian to show their condition to someone with whom their developing a serious relationship? How risky might it be for an alopecian to simply tell a love interest about their condition and only unveil it after the relationship is quite serious? Indeed, is this a general problem area for single, or even married, alopecians that you know?
Some time ago, someone rightly pointed out that it's not appropriate to reveal such personal matters to just anyone. Therefore, I need to emphasize that this is NOT the issue I'm raising with this discussion.
Rather, I'm here interested in knowing your thoughts on the following issue alone: Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not know what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
Would it have made a difference? I really don't think so, but this I know for sure: It's one thing to know that someone has alopecia and quite another to know what they actually look like with the condition.
Given the importance of looks in the context of most amorous relationships, how important might it be for an alopecian to show their condition to someone with whom their developing a serious relationship? How risky might it be for an alopecian to simply tell a love interest about their condition and only unveil it after the relationship is quite serious? Indeed, is this a general problem area for single, or even married, alopecians that you know?
Some time ago, someone rightly pointed out that it's not appropriate to reveal such personal matters to just anyone. Therefore, I need to emphasize that this is NOT the issue I'm raising with this discussion.
Rather, I'm here interested in knowing your thoughts on the following issue alone: Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not know what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
Tags: alopecia, alopecia awareness, alopeciaawareness, awareness, dating, love, lovers, marrige, relationship, relationships
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Maureen Hanley on -
I have only had to do "The Big Reveal" twice. I am divorced for almost three years after a 20-year marriage. AA entered my life after the birth of my first child in 1990, so my ex-husband was there when it all went down.
Since my divorce I have had two committed relationships. To the first, I revealed after two months. To the second (and current <3) it took me FOUR months! It was extremely nerve-wracking for me to "hide" my condition for such a long time; but in both cases my boyfriends were completely and unconditionally supportive and understanding. Neither of them were familiar with alopecia though. I showed them the Wikipedia article and this website to better help them fully understand.
You might wonder how I could have hidden my condition for so long? Well, I am very lucky as I still have my eyebrows, eyelashes, and wear Freedom Hair wigs. No one ever suspects I am bald unless I tell them. In a way I think that's what has made it so difficult for me to come out and tell someone. With many Alopecians you know right away because of the lack of eyebrows, eyelashes, etc. Maybe it allowsthem the opening that is needed to come right out and tell early in a relationship.
Both of my partners did admit that they could understand why I waited for so long to tell. For me it was a really difficult thing to do; very emotionally exhausting to hide it and to reveal it. Neither of them were upset or felt like I had been deceiving. They just understood that I had to do it on my own agenda.
I will say that my current partner is much more enamoured of my bald head than the first one was! He rubs my head for me in bed while we're watching tv and always tells me how beautiful I am :)
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Permalink Reply by Shannon Carroll Kreider on -
When I was young, I thought that this would be more of an issue than it was. I didn't tell people right out of the gate about my alopecia. I usually waited two weeks to a month to discuss my AA with them. This usually gave me time to gauge whether or not I liked them enough to tell them. To me there was no reason to go there if I didn't see a future with that person. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Almost everyone I have dated was ok with it. There were a few that disappeared afterwards, but their was never that confrontational " I can't go out with you because of your AA." When I told my husband about it, he told me he didn't care if I was totally bald, he would still love me any way. I told him that was good because it is always a possibility. I am actually very grateful for my Alopecia. Because I know that my husband loves me for who I am on the inside and outside. I know that he is in it for the long run.
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Permalink Reply by T.J.R. on -
Hello young man! I think your wife rocks! I never hide my bald head, I love me so much! Sometimes though I will wear a cool hat or scarf because I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I'm use to the blank stare of others but I never want him to feel bad for me. When I do cover my head He just cracks jokes on ME! His stale jokes and uncontrollable laughter is all I need! I feel as if all my fellow alopecians should fess up asap and let the chips fall where they may! You want something real anyway!
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