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How to tell Mom and Dad you have alopecia?
Yesterday, I went to my parents' house for dinner with an agenda: tell them I have alopecia and that someday, I might lose all my hair... So, before leaving my place, I tried my best to make myself an hairdo that leaves my spots the most visible as possible. After a few hours (and cocktails), my dad finally notice that some hair where missing on my head (he's the kind of man who never notice a woman's new haircut). And then, he asked me what was going on and I told my parents about my alopecia.
After my little educational speech, my dad took a deep breath, a sip of scotch and told me: ''If you must shave your head, please at first do a mohawk, take pictures and send them to me''. If only he could have had that reaction the day I came back at home with a tattoo! I think the mohawk thing is like his personal revenge for the tattoo and piercing episodes ;-) My mother also took it well and told me that her own mother experienced a few losses of hair (spots and thinning) and eyebrow during her life (she died at 88 and had an almost surnatural health all her life).
Conclusion: I was afraid for nothing, like if i did something wrong! So I'm asking the question: why is it to frightening to us that people find out about our condition?
After my little educational speech, my dad took a deep breath, a sip of scotch and told me: ''If you must shave your head, please at first do a mohawk, take pictures and send them to me''. If only he could have had that reaction the day I came back at home with a tattoo! I think the mohawk thing is like his personal revenge for the tattoo and piercing episodes ;-) My mother also took it well and told me that her own mother experienced a few losses of hair (spots and thinning) and eyebrow during her life (she died at 88 and had an almost surnatural health all her life).
Conclusion: I was afraid for nothing, like if i did something wrong! So I'm asking the question: why is it to frightening to us that people find out about our condition?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joshua on -
Hi Marie,
Thanks for sharing your story. The answer is straight forward to your question...because we're afraid of the reactions we will get, especially negative responses coming from our loved ones. Our emotions are particular susceptible to receive hurtful comments/ remarks from our loved ones.
Have a wonderful weekend! Stay well.
Joshua
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Permalink Reply by Aimee on -
I don't know. I am not frightened at all for people to learn about alopecia. I just get tired of the endless questions. I even wrote a blog it. People aren't familiar with alopecia, so they have loads of questions, and it's always the same: What did the doctor say? Will it grow back? Is it caused by stress? I get tired of answering the same questions all the time.
I'm very open about it. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm being blamed (for not pursuing aggressive medical treatments on the slight percent chance they might work, on "bringing it on myself" from stress...) that's the only reason I don't like revealing it.
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Permalink Reply by tamgirl on -
Good that your parrents took it in so well and responded well. hahah ur dad makes me laugh. I always said, if my hair will come back i will have a mohawk, haha even if im old.. lol
Hope your parrents will be supportive:)
To answer your question, Im not hiding it because I dont wear a wig. So im not frightend that people find out.
I rather have ppl know the truth about my condition than to hide it away and wonder if ppl notice( haha obv if i would wear a wig).
I dont have tattooted eyebrows either, but lots of ppl dont see that at first, haha coz they are looking at my head.
so dont be too scared that ppl find it out, yer some ppl may respond not nice, but u know what u can think, say or do then;)
U are still who u were and wont get worse from alopecia
All the best and take care, take everything as it comes
Tam
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on -
Since humans hate rejection, even if it is from people we'd be better off without, all I can say is that we should INCREASE the amount of friends we have, so if one does walk away from us, the impact is not as bad. The more love one has, or the more support systems, the less lonliness. I think the biggest problem for some alopecians is that they put all their hopes in ONE man, ONE friend, ONE parent etc. If that relationship goes wrong, then they do not know where to turn. It takes time to build relationships, so it is best to always have many going/starting at once...so that miraculously, by 30 one has some GREAT friends to become a "second family" when times get tough. Sometimes the alopecia itself is blamed for lonliness, when really the person's own shyness or downer attitude around others is what caused the lack of friends. Ah, if only we could all find the humor and the bravest part of us inside...and act sunny in public to draw sunnier people to us! Actually, I think your Dad was hilarious on this one! Maybe you could send him the biggest, baddest photo of a male biker with mohawk and add lipstick to it as a joke, then autograph it for him!
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Permalink Reply by spaganya on -
it was really scary for me to tell my boyfriend. but i have found over the years that while i fret about it, if the person loves you, they could care less if you have hair or not. (mind you my ex-fiance left me when my hair started falling out - the bastard. but good riddance, now i have a good man)
if you love yourself, it wont matter. And your father is funny - a mowhawk! :)
it was easy to tell my parents though, my mom's side of the family all have alopecia, and my dad is balding himself with just regular male pattern baldness - they both understand the challenges already of hair loss.
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Permalink Reply by Lori Van Decker on -
My mother just doesn't want to talk about it. I think that's her way of dealing with it -- ignore it and move on with your life. Oddly, when she had cancer a decade ago and was faced with the possibility of chemo, the first thing she said was, "I will lose all my hair!"
At the time of her exclamation, I was staying over at her house and was relaxing in my PJs in all of my universal glory -- no wig, no eyebrows, no lashes.
I just pointed to myself and said, "Ya know, Ma, I think there are lots of WORSE things that could happen!"
She just looked at me and said, "yeah." Then we both giggled a little, which was a little bit of stress release during a very stressful time. :)
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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on -
This is a good topic because it's universal.
At every age people want to feel accepted and are by nature afraid of rejection, especially from those with the closest emotional ties.
The anticipation of negative reactions are far worse than the reality. Human beings are hard wired to replay negative stories from our pasts as well as our imagined futures. It's part of being human and is rooted in our need for survival.
While we no longer need to be on high alert for survival like our cave-person ancestors, our minds do take us to a stage of alert not needed in modern life. Knowing that that stage of survival readiness is wired into our brains and being aware of it can make modern living go smoothly.
Thea
baldgirlsdolunch.org
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Permalink Reply by Gordon on -
Your story reminds me so much of when I wanted to come out to my parents about being gay, so many similarities. I was very nervous about that, and even bottled out of doing it on the first couple of attempts. But when I eventually went ahead and told them, they were just fine about it. I needn't have worried at all, they still loved me unconditionally as their son, as much as they ever had. It was such a relief, and a big lesson in life to me too.
I have to say that, after that experience, "coming out" about alopecia was easy! I didn't even think twice about it. After all alopecia is just another non-life-threatening condition that I've got, no different to my being short sighted and having glaucoma.
I think we're often afraid to tell people about these things simply from fear of rejection, almost as though we feel we've done something wrong! Also I think there is sometimes a feeling of needing to protect other people from the "shocking" truth, worrying that they might not be able to handle it. In my experience, the truth is that we find ourselves in these situations over which we have no control, and in most cases those who genuinely love us will have no problem accepting these new facts about who we are, and then supporting us through any other problems which crop up as a consequence.
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Permalink Reply by Lolin on -
That's right! Joshua nailed it on the head. My dad doesn't want to see me without a wig.
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Permalink Reply by Veronique on -
Yes me to first I was affraid to tell my friends. I was scared people wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore cause they would be ashamed of me. They would be shy being with me, with some hair missing. Such a stupid thought I know. Now I know I was the one ashamed of me. I was really shameful, I always associated my hair as my beauty, and now I was losing all my beauty and all my confidence. But like Tamgirl said, when I told people, they told me, their must be something you can do, some medication, anything. But I have tried everything, natural pills, treatments for hair loss, massage, therapy, all. Except medication because I'm against that. But yes, I was scared that people would have pity, and say poor poor her. That is why I was scared to talk about it. But I have really good friends around me and so are my parents. It wasn't that hard to say as they were awared of my problem as the process was slow, So I told them as soon as it started thinking it would stop. I always thought it would stop and regrow, but I guess now I realized I just need to accept it. So for my part, I was, and still am with new people, just because I feel ashame of my problem, as if it's my fault, or as if people would say that I am not lucky or something...
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Permalink Reply by Gale Moorman on -
Hi, Veronique,
I was kind of scared to tell my friends too but when one friend asked a couple of times about me wearing a scarf/bandanna and I decided to tell her she took it quite casually. I was relieved and now when I go to a support group I don't have to lie and say I'm going somewhere else. My other friend after years of me having alopecia (totalis) was quite shocked when I told her because she said she thought I was just being sporty and wearing a cap or bandanna for fashion. I don't see this friend often but we do talk on the telephone for quite a while everyday and I just didn't want to constantly make excuses for what I've been doing or where I was at when I was at a support group. Both instances was a positive experience.
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