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Can we really accept alopecia?
I know that this is a rather tarnished subject in the community however, experiencing it myself in the last couple of months and, consequently, the return of the negative effects this thing had on me, i feel like putting them down hoping that it will make me pass over it.
Ever since general school I felt discriminated against and marginalized. Kids were laughing at me, used to call me names and it was not so uncommon that I picked up fights with colleagues. Later on in high-school it was pretty much the same and probably only in faculty things might have improved but I was still teased.
Having alopecia it made it even worse. It was like I could never become "normal" anymore and that I failed my promise to the society forever. I never been a very sociable person given the discrimination but this despite my nature which, I believe, it is quite the opposite, expansive and generous. But now it was like there was no other choice - alopecia changed forever the inside reflection I had about myself.
Through ups and downs, I could say that until last year things were acceptable and life was going ok, I thought that i finally manged living with it. However, when I realized that a lot of the surrounding people pays a lot of attention to the physical appearance it made me reflect again on this issue. Of course nothing is new, since the society I am living in (a so called "western" society) is constantly fueling the same old misconceptions: blond people are more beautiful than non-blond people, caucasians more beautiful than non-caucasians and of course with hair is more beautiful than without-hair. You see it at TV, in the commercials and ads, on the street, at school.
So, under this constant pressure from the "beautiful people" I started to succumb. I find it much harder to laugh or to be nice with the people around me. I feel that now the only solution I have is to become a hermit, isolated in my own shell, not meeting people than if necessary and always keep things official and short. The overall impression i have about myself is actually low and so the level of self trust.
A friend of mine who also has alopecia, told me that I am looking for comforting myself in self-victimization. It might be possible, but I tell you what, I am sure doing a bad job out of it 'cause frankly speaking i can not find this comfort very "comforting".
So after all this years of having alopecia I still feel like I have a lot to learn to deal with it. Right now I feel a huge wave of tiredness and powerlessness in the same time. I find it hard to keep in touch with my family, my friends and the people I know. With only few exceptions, the internet truly became for me the one way to meet and stay in touch with people.
I wonder what does one needs in order to really accept it? Bowing my head to the soleness of life or continue fight and unrest to find one's place?
Ever since general school I felt discriminated against and marginalized. Kids were laughing at me, used to call me names and it was not so uncommon that I picked up fights with colleagues. Later on in high-school it was pretty much the same and probably only in faculty things might have improved but I was still teased.
Having alopecia it made it even worse. It was like I could never become "normal" anymore and that I failed my promise to the society forever. I never been a very sociable person given the discrimination but this despite my nature which, I believe, it is quite the opposite, expansive and generous. But now it was like there was no other choice - alopecia changed forever the inside reflection I had about myself.
Through ups and downs, I could say that until last year things were acceptable and life was going ok, I thought that i finally manged living with it. However, when I realized that a lot of the surrounding people pays a lot of attention to the physical appearance it made me reflect again on this issue. Of course nothing is new, since the society I am living in (a so called "western" society) is constantly fueling the same old misconceptions: blond people are more beautiful than non-blond people, caucasians more beautiful than non-caucasians and of course with hair is more beautiful than without-hair. You see it at TV, in the commercials and ads, on the street, at school.
So, under this constant pressure from the "beautiful people" I started to succumb. I find it much harder to laugh or to be nice with the people around me. I feel that now the only solution I have is to become a hermit, isolated in my own shell, not meeting people than if necessary and always keep things official and short. The overall impression i have about myself is actually low and so the level of self trust.
A friend of mine who also has alopecia, told me that I am looking for comforting myself in self-victimization. It might be possible, but I tell you what, I am sure doing a bad job out of it 'cause frankly speaking i can not find this comfort very "comforting".
So after all this years of having alopecia I still feel like I have a lot to learn to deal with it. Right now I feel a huge wave of tiredness and powerlessness in the same time. I find it hard to keep in touch with my family, my friends and the people I know. With only few exceptions, the internet truly became for me the one way to meet and stay in touch with people.
I wonder what does one needs in order to really accept it? Bowing my head to the soleness of life or continue fight and unrest to find one's place?
Tags: Coping, acceptance, education, future, grey, growing, knowing, meeting, solitude, times, More…
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on -
I think, because teens rely on parents to drive and make time for transportation, and because teens only HAVE looks or school events as an option morally (most teens), then all is based on looking from afar at peers, being appropriate at school/church/extra-curricular clubs, and following the rules and schedules of the parents. And, if looking at the cute boy or girl is all one is doing, rather than researching personality or talking first, then it is a real crap shoot if Mr. Handsome or Ms. Popularity have a deep personality or sensitivity to alopecia at all.
I like shows like Glee, where talent leads the story lines and all types of teens are included as the main characters. I also think one might have less rejection by joining clubs KNOWN for depth, honesty, good adult leaders, etc., like arts clubs, future teachers clubs, woodshop competitions on the state level, faith or nature-based clubs, etc. Some colleges offer summer classes for teens, and travel groups are also an option. Then, you can create that family group APART from the school jerks, with the event, craft, project, or club's travel destination being what unites you to the group and provides conversation topics and jokes for years to come. My parents enrolled me in a college art class, tennis, typing, church camp, study weekends, trip to New York and Washington, D.C., etc. I met teens from many cities at those and while on Youth Advisory Council to the Governor, where we stayed in college dorms during the conference weekends. I learned that there were a lot more people and places in the world than that small world of high school students, and my free time communications were with others who enriched, not constricted, my life...even while I had alopecia!
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Permalink Reply by tommy on -
Your discribed how i feel every day and i feel for ya dude, I cant offer advice but can say im here with ya!
Tommy
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Permalink Reply by kenny k on -
hey man,
i know exactly how you feel. i've been completely hairless for more than 4 years now and i still never go out without a hat on. i miss my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, every single strand of hair on my body i miss. i haven't been back to my home town to see old friends and family since i lost all my hair.
just like you i have yet a lot to learn on how to deal with it. but i know for a fact that everytime i talk to someone about it, it makes me feel better somehow. just try to be open. try to laugh at the situation - and cherish those who accept you for who you are.
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Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on -
Great discussion going on guys & gals.
For me gaining acceptance was possible thru this website. But the Big Big thing for me was going to a NAAF Conference. I realized I wasn't alone and I met so many great people who were going through the same emotions I was.
I've only had alopecia for three years now and I've been to 3 NAAF Conf. I encourage everyone with alopecia to attend if you possibly can.
Jeffrey
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Permalink Reply by Heather on -
Hi Cristian.
Your note made me sort of think a lot, band I've come to realize that you and I have a completely different outlook on Alopecia. I got it when I was 10, so I guess that makes it 6 years now for me, and sure, I'm young and haven't been here for as long as some people, but I really think that attitude is the real way to accept it. I try to focus on the positive sides of this disease, and I have found that it really helps. I truly believe that I have accepted it. Of course, there are days when I am just so discouraged, but I think everyone has days like that; alopecia or not, and everyone has something to deal with. So we don't have hair, someone else will be dealing with something else. Don't feel like you're losing friends or not fitting in, think of it as separating the people who really care about you from the people who don't. That part might be the hardest; the realisation that some people who you thought really cared aren't as supportive as you might have hoped, but it's better that way in the end. You don't have to fight it, there are ways to deal with it. So yes, I do think you can truly accept Alopecia.
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Permalink Reply by Cristian on -
Hello Heather,
After reading your message, and giving it some long thought, i came to the conclusion that acceptance is something subjective. If someone believes that accepting a thing which negatively affects one's life will make easier to live with, than so be it.
I personally can't see yet any good things in it. Recently, for example, i had been in a student camp, and i felt really ashamed to show my patchy bald head, un-shaved, in the morning, to the rest of all my mates. I felt really horrible.
Yes there were questions, and some even expressed their pithiness to comfort me, but i want none of that! I want to be treated as a whole, able, in power young man! Just like all of them and without inspiring them to express their sorrowfulness!
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Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on
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Hi Cristian,
We've all got something. Some blemish we dont want. Too bad though we're stuck with it...or maybe in our case maybe not. Alopecia can go away... That said there will be other blemishes you dont like as you age. It's the way life goes.
Try turning your negative attitude about your alopecia into something positive and healing. You will be a much happier person in the long run.
Jeffrey
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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Hi again Cristian..
I think I get what you mean. But judging on what you told me, I feel like it is up to everyone whether or not they want to accept it. Of course being ashamed of your bald spots is normal, but if you're weird about them, other people will be too. If you act normal about it, and act like it's no big deal, other people will too. Like if anyone is ever curious about why I wear a wig, I just tell them straight up. I don't make a huge deal about it or anything, and that way, they don't make anything of it either. If you want to be treated normally, then you can't think of yourself as different. It's all about how YOU deal with it. If you act like there's something wrong with you, then other people will too. If you're ashamed, people will pity you.
Your lack of hair will only define you if you let it.
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Permalink Reply by NORMAN ABBOTT on -
We share the same world....how do you hate ''self''
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